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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23008969">Two Souls</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/superwordobsessed/pseuds/superwordobsessed'>superwordobsessed</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Demon posession, Drama, F/M, Fluff, Men of Letters Bunker (Supernatural), Moose and Squirrel as Nicknames (Supernatural), Nicknames, Original Character(s), Soft Crowley (Supernatural), Torture, Witch Rowena MacLeod, big spell drama, grimoire, human soul bonding, vague mention of attempted suicide, winchester life is crazy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 10:15:55</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>33,077</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23008969</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/superwordobsessed/pseuds/superwordobsessed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Lex Taylor spends her life running from the supernatural until Sam and Dean show up.  Life with Sam and Dean is complicated, especially when she has to tie her soul to Dean's to save the world.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel (Supernatural)/Original Female Character(s), Dean Winchester/Original Female Character(s), Sam Winchester/Original Female Character(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Far From Home</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is my first fic ever.  I adore Supernatural and this felt like a safe space to share my random ideas. Don't know how long this piece will be or where it's going but I would appreciate your feedback.  Be gentle, plz LOL</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The oven beeps and I pull myself up from the small couch in my new apartment.  Mixed with the scent of the pizza, there's a smell in the air I can't quite identify.  Something harsh and gross that makes me wrinkle my nose.  Time to change the air freshener again I guess.  I'm slicing the pizza when a knock sounds on the door.  Down the hall, I hear my roommate’s door squeak open.</p><p>"I've got it" I call, wiping my hands on my jeans.</p><p>"Don't answer it," She yells.  I roll my eyes.  She’s been acting weird all week.  </p><p>FBI agents are probably the last people I expected at the door, but there they are, badges open in my face.  The one on the right is practically a giant.  At almost 5'9" I rarely feel short around guys, but in front of him, I feel like a child.  His hair is long and a shiny brown that makes me do a double take.  And then I see his partner.  He's tall too, but shorter by a few inches and his jawline could cut glass.  His eyes are an unnatural shade of green and laser focused on me.</p><p>"Agents Smith and Jones," the taller one says as they tuck their badges away.</p><p>"Lexana Taylor?"  The other asks.  I shake my head for a second while my brain remembers how to speak.</p><p>"No- I mean yeah, but it's Lex.  Just Lex."</p><p>"What's that smell?" Green eyes asks, turning his eyes to his partner.</p><p>"Um I made pizza.  But the other smell, I don't know, I think a squirrel died in the attic or something.  I keep meaning to call maintenance” I tell them.</p><p>"Ma'am is there anyone else in the house?"  The taller one asks, looking at me.  I open my mouth to answer as a body slams into me from behind.  Hitting the floor knocks the wind out of me and I struggle to catch my breath.  The body on top of me hasn't moved and when my vision clears, I see black eyes staring down at me.</p><p>"I told you not to open that," my roommate Melissa growls, landing a punch square to my jaw.  Sparks dance across my vision as she jumps to her feet and heads to the door.</p><p>"Melissa?" I gasp, not able to a catch a full breath yet.  She turns to me with black eyes and a cold smile.</p><p>"Not exactly."</p><p>My vision swims and I think of the old stories my Uncle James used to write for me and the journal hiding under my bed.  The black eyes- the smell in the air.  The <br/>things that killed my father only a few years ago.  One word stands out.  Demons.  The agents at the door tumble in, lunging for Melissa who runs to the kitchen and grabs a knife off the counter.</p><p>"No Winchesters here, thanks.  I'm keeping the prize safe," she growls.  She turns black eyes on them and hurls the knife straight at the taller man.  A strangled scream comes out of my mouth as he ducks just in time, the knife sticking in the wall rather than catching him in the chest.<br/>Demons.  What did James write about demons?  I think, frantic.  Salt.  With a battle brewing in the kitchen, I crawl to the breakfast nook and grab the saltshaker off the table.  Pulling the cork from the bottom, I empty the contents into my hand and make a fist.  It won't be enough; I realize as the noise in the kitchen escalates.  Something slams into the wall and I hear drywall crack.</p><p>"Dean!"  A strangled voice calls out, full of fear.  I peek around the counter and my blood runs cold.  There's a knife in the doorway, just a few inches from my feet and then there's my roommate.  Her back is to me but she has her hands out like she's casting a spell.  The two men are pressed up on opposite walls as if by magic and clawing for their throats.  The tallest one catches my eye and shakes his head ever so slightly when I look down at the knife on the floor.  It's a long blade covered in carvings with an intricate handle.</p><p>"There's so much more coming for her.  I'm just the guard, waiting for the highest bidder to come along.  She’s special, haven’t you heard?  Prize pet of the King of Hell.  Imagine what they'll say about me when I drop the bodies of Sam and Dean Winchester dead at Crowley's feet."  Melissa lets out a cold, broken laugh and I know that she's not in there.  She wouldn't do this to anyone.  As silently as I can, I grab the knife on the floor and square my shoulders and put the knife behind my back.<br/>"Let them go."  I try to punch as much authority into my voice as possible, but it comes out shaky and weak.  Her head tilts just an inch before the men drop and she turns to me.</p><p>"I don't take orders from you kid," she snarls.  Her hand shoots out and in seconds, she's crushing my windpipe.  With a sick smile, she lifts a knife from the counter and runs it along my collar bone with a feather light touch.  Pain sings through me as she lifts me just enough to keep my feet off the ground.</p><p>"If you weren't worth so much, you'd already be dead.  But there's worse things coming for you than death.  Just wait," she smiles.  As black spots rush across my eyes, I fling the salt into her face as hard as I can.  Her hold on me vanishes instantly and I drop to my feet.  Above me, her skin is burning and she lets out an unearthly howl.</p><p>"The knife!"  One of the men calls.  Still dizzy, I look up at the monster and grip the knife tighter.</p><p>"I'm so sorry," I whisper, driving the knife into her stomach as she lunges for me.  Her body shutters and lights up like she's being shocked from the inside.  The knife in her hand clatters to the floor.</p><p>I scream, letting go of the knife and stumbling backwards.  The men are there beside her as her body stops jerking and she falls to the floor.  As tears cloud my eyes, the man with close cropped hair and green eyes looks up at me and frowns.</p><p>"Go pack a bag.  We gotta go."</p><p>It takes me a second to process his words but I find myself walking down the short hall to my room on shaking legs.  I grab a backpack and shove in three changes of clothes.  After a moment of hesitation I pull out the journal my mother gave me before she died that I keep hidden under my bed and shove them in the backpack as well.  After I shove my phone and charger in my bag, I sit on my bed to pull on socks and my favorite pair of sneakers.  My hands are covered in blood and shaking.  I don't know how long I stare down at them, frozen, until someone's hand is on my shoulder.  With a shriek, I jump to my feet and spin around, finding the taller guy with his hands up in surrender.</p><p>"Whoa, it's just me.  My name is Sam.  We really need to go."</p><p>As if on cue, a voice from downstairs calls, "Sammy, let’s get movin'."</p><p>I shoulder my backpack and look at my room one last time.  My eyes land on a photo stuck to my mirror of my mom and me on the beach from years ago.  I swallow the lump in my throat and turn back to Sam and nod.</p><p>They hurry to me to a black Chevy Impala and the shorter one-Dean opens the door for me.  I toss my backpack in and pull the door shut behind me.  Dean falls into the driver’s seat with Sam up front beside him.  The engine roars to life and we tear out of my neighborhood before I can even look back at my house.</p><p>"How did you know about the salt?  Are you a hunter?" Dean says, flicking his eyes to meet mine in the rear view.</p><p>It feels like cotton is lodged in my throat so I just shake my head.  I've never been hunting in my life.  Pulling my mother’s journal out, I pass it to Sam and then turn to watch the world fly past the window.  I killed someone.  Someone else is dead because of me.</p><p>"This is a hunter's journal, Dean.  Who did this belong to?" He asks, flipping through the pages carefully.</p><p>"My mother.  She gave it to me before she died."  It hurts to think about her.  It hurts to breathe and think and exist.   Sam frowns at me when he hands the journal back.</p><p>"Get some sleep.  We'll wake you up when we get there," he says.  I want to ask where we're going but I'm too drained to care.  Besides, my last friend is dead.  Who's going to miss me?  I snuggle down into my sweater and rest my head against the window, clutching my backpack to my chest and sleep.<br/>When I jolt awake to the sound of classic rock on a static filled radio, the sun has gone down and the asphalt blends into the night.</p><p>“Where are we going?”  My voice comes out scratchy and full of unshed tears.</p><p>“Somewhere safe.” Dean says, drumming his hand on the steering wheel.</p><p>“That thing in Melissa, it was a demon, right?”  I ask, flipping through my mother’s journal.  I can barely see a thing she’s written.  Even if there was enough light, the words blurring together on the page as my eyes grow wet again.</p><p>“Yeah.  How did you know about the salt?” Dean asks, flicking his eyes to meet mine in the rearview.</p><p>“My Uncle James- he lives in London.  He used to tell me stories and then when my mother gave me this, I thought maybe they weren’t just stories after all…I killed my friend.”  The words come out fragile and I feel sick.</p><p>“Lex, you didn’t have a choice.” Sam says, looking back at me with a concerned look.<br/>I can’t meet his eye.  Instead, I lean my head against the window and watch the trees fly past us for hours and hours on end.  At last, we pull up to an old, run down motel.  I wait with Sam at the car when Dean goes inside.</p><p>“How are you doing?” Sam asks, tilting his head down to look me in the eyes.  I can’t pull my head from the fog it seems to be stuck in so I shrug and make a non-committal noise.  Sam frowns but I stalk away from him when Dean comes back outside with a key in his hand.</p><p>“Sorry kid, only one room left.  I’ll take the couch.”</p><p>We follow him down to the last door and pile into the dusty room.  Sam and Dean fall asleep almost as soon as their heads touch pillows.  I don’t know if it’s the hours in the car or the blood that I can still feel under my nails even though I’ve scrubbed my hands clean at the last three rest stops, but I can’t close my eyes.  I try to pace the room and calm the slowly mounting panic in my chest, but it only makes things worse.  After half an hour, I curl into a ball on the bed and let the tears come hard and fast.  I shove my hand against my mouth to keep the sound of my sobs from waking the boys and after a while, I fall into a fitful sleep with an aching heart, sore throat, and puffy eyes.</p><p>“Lex?”  A soft voice pulls me from the nightmare I’ve been trapped in where I stab Melissa over and over again just as she asks me ‘why?’ I jerk away from the hand on my shoulder.</p><p>“Hey, you’re okay.  It’s okay.”  Sam says, putting his hands up in surrender.  I realize then that I’ve been crying as another hiccupped sob escapes my mouth.  My face is wet with fresh tears and I swipe furiously to dry them up.</p><p>“S-sorry.  I didn’t mean to wake you.  Sorry.”  I mumble.</p><p>“It’s okay, you’ve been through a lot.  Besides, I think Dean is ready to hit the road anyway.  We’re going to get you somewhere safe by tonight.  Promise.”<br/>I take a shaking breath and nod, pulling my backpack from the floor and clutching it to my chest.  I feel like I might dissolve into sand without the weight of it holding me down.</p><p>“If you want to talk, we’re here for you Lex.”</p><p>“People die around me.  Everyone dies.  I appreciate you guys getting me out of there but it’s probably best for us to split up.”  The truth tubles out of me without my consent and a strange hush falls over the room.</p><p>“We kind of know what that’s like.  Come on, let’s go” Sam says gently.</p><p>I just shake my head and squeeze my eyes shut.  Dean swings the door open just then and tells us it’s time to go.  I wait for Sam’s footsteps to dissipate before I open my eyes and stand up.  Outside I can hear him arguing with Dean but they stop as soon as I step out the door and walk up to the car.<br/>Six hours and one sketchy diner into the drive, I feel like I might go crazy staring at the back of Dean Winchester’s head.</p><p>"I think you're right about there being a case in Ohio,” a voice says next to me.  I let out a yelp of surprise as a man in a trench coat appears out of nowhere in the seat beside me.</p><p>"Calm down,” Dean sighs.</p><p>"Lex, this is Cas.  Friend of ours.  He…pops in sometimes,” Sam explains, running a hand through his hair.</p><p>"I'm an angel,” Cas says, eyes boring into me.  I let out a shallow breath and shake my head.  Living with the Winchesters is bound to give me a heart attack before anything else has a chance.</p><p>"We've gotta make a stop first Cas,” Dean says.  </p><p>"Very well.  I'll find you soon, when I have more information.”  The man beside me is gone in a blink, trench coat and all.</p><p>"You have a pet angel?"  I ask, still confused.</p><p>"Cas isn't a pet.  He's family,” Dean growls, snapping his eyes to the rear view to glare at me.  My stomach rolls and I swallow hard.</p><p>"Noted,” I say, trying to shove the panic back down my throat.</p><p>"Dean-" Sam starts, but I interrupt him.</p><p>"It's fine Sam.  My bad,” I say, pulling my sunglasses down to cover my eyes and shoving one earbud in.  I turn my music up as high as it will go as Dean cranks the radio up.  Leaning against the window with my eyes closed, I count backwards from ten to stop the tears that burn my eyes from spilling.  A few minutes pass before I hear conversation resume in the front seat.</p><p>"Give her a break Dean,” Sam says softly.</p><p>"She called Cas our pet.  What the hell is that even supposed to mean?"</p><p>"She doesn't know him, Dean.  And we haven't exactly been open with her.”</p><p>"Why the hell should we Sam?  She shouldn't even be here.  We should've left her in Providence when we had the chance,”</p><p>I should stop eavesdropping but I can't.  Memories and a wave of pain paralyze me.</p><p>"She's a hunter Dean, she could help,”</p><p>"She's not a hunter.  She’s a freaking civilian Sammy.  Just because some guy named James told her stories about this life doesn't mean she's a hunter.”</p><p>"You saw her in there.  She's got good instincts.  James taught her something.”</p><p>"Yeah and she didn't know it was real until twenty-six hours ago.”</p><p>"Dean-"</p><p>"She's a liability Sammy.  We're gonna drop her off somewhere as soon as we can.”</p><p>A liability.  That's what I feel like.  A lose end that needs to be dealt with.  A tear slips down my cheek and I huddle down farther in my jacket to hide my face.  Where would they even leave me?  I've got nothing left.  I feel like I'm going to come out of my skin if I have to spend too much more time trapped in the car.  Trying to drown out the panic that has settled in my chest, I put in my earbuds and turn the volume on my phone up as high as it will go.  For four hours, we fly down empty high ways and dirt roads; the boys talking in hushed tones and me listening to music and trying not to scream.  In the middle of my favorite song, my phone dies and I pop my earbuds out with a string of curses.</p><p>"What's wrong?"  Sam asks, looking back at me.</p><p>"Phone died.  And I'm going in crazy being trapped in this car.”</p><p>"About five minutes out,” Dean says into his phone, turning off the highway onto a winding gravel road.  </p><p>“Welcome to the bunker. Home sweet home,” Dean says as we step out of the Impala.</p><p>The bunker looks old and Dean pulls out a vintage looking key when we get to the door.  Inside, we follow a curved set of metal stairs down into a sitting room.  Beyond that is a kitchen with multiple doorways and hallways branching out from it.</p><p>“Bedrooms are this way,” Dean says, nodding for me to follow him.  He points out Sam’s room and his own. </p><p>I pull my clothes from my backpack and store them in the small dresser by the door.  My sparse possessions barely fill the top drawer.  With a sigh, I kick my boots off at the foot of my bed and take a look around.  There’s a bathroom and an old sink with a mirror.  It’s not home, but at least it’s not another crappy motel.  I beat the dust off the old mattress and sit down, the weight of the last twelve hours settling on top of me like cement.  I’m leaning back against the headboard with my eyes closed when the bedroom door opens.</p><p>“How are you?”  Cas asks, standing in the doorway.</p><p>“You really should learn to knock.”</p><p>“Your friend died at your hand possessed by a demon and you’ve been with Sam and Dean for two days.  I just want to make sure-”</p><p>“I haven’t one second to myself since my friend died,” I sigh, wishing he would leave.  And then he does.  A pang of guilt cuts through me at the sight of the empty doorway and I close my eyes tight, willing tears not to spill.  I’m so sick of crying.<br/>I wake in the middle of the night from a fitful sleep and hear Dean’s voice echoing down the hallway.  Rubbing a hand over my face I stretch and make my way to the kitchen.  Dean is at the table, phone to his ear.</p><p>“No I get it.”  A long pause follows.  “It’s fine.  She’ll stay here for now.  Sam and I will leave in the morning.  Bye.”  He drops the phone on the table with a sigh.</p><p>“You’re leaving me here?”  I ask, leaning against the doorway.</p><p>Dean slowly stands and crosses his arms.  “It’s the safest place for you.  Sammy and I have to take care of something.  Won’t take long.”</p><p>“I don’t want to stay in your secret bunker by myself Dean.  Let me come with you.”</p><p>“Not happening.  Go to bed.”  He starts off for the hallway but I step in front of him, cutting him off.</p><p>“I don’t want to stay here,” I repeat.</p><p>“Hey what’s going on?”  Sam emerges from yet another room in the labyrinth of the bunker with his eyebrows furrowed.</p><p>“We got a job tomorrow.  I told her she’s stayin’ here.” Dean turns his attention to Sam and steps around me towards his bedroom.  Sam gives me a pleading look and follows his brother down the hall.  Right after the door slams, I hear the boys arguing.  I almost follow them down the hall but instead I head to my room and grab my backpack from the floor.  It takes mere minutes to pack my belongings up again.</p><p>“Hey,” Sam says softly from the doorway.</p><p>I look up at him and point to the packed bag beside the door.  “I’m already packed.  I won’t slow you down.  Please Sam, I can’t stay here.  I don’t have anyone left and I haven’t heard from James in years and this place…this bunker isn’t home.  I don’t want to stay here alone.”</p><p>“Hey Lex, it’s okay.  You can come with us.  We leave in a few hours.  Try and get some sleep.”  With that, he pulls the door shut behind him leaving me alone in the tiny bunker room.  Some of the panic in my chest dissolves and I lay back on the bed taking deep breaths.  At least I won’t be trapped here.  Dean is silently fuming when I walk into the kitchen a few hours later.  I don’t speak as Sam hands me a mug full of coffee, I just nod my head in thanks.</p><p>“For the record, this is a bad idea,” Dean says, picking his bag up from the table and storming up the stairs.  I gulp down as much coffee as I can and look over at Sam.</p><p>“He’ll get over it.  He really is just trying to protect you.”</p><p>“I can protect myself.”  I set the mug in the sink and shoulder my bag, turning my back on Sam and heading for the stairs.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. The Visitor</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>CH 1 was slow, I know but bear with me.  The better stuff is coming.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Do not open the door.  Do not leave the room.  Do not go explore.  We’ll be back soon,” Dean says, as he and Sam follow me into the newly purchased motel room.  I grimace at a stain on the floor and turn to face him.</p><p>“I’ll be fine.  I’ve got rock salt and silver bullets and a knife if anything happens,” I say trying to remember everything that I can from my mother’s journal.  “I’ll be fine.”</p><p>“Nothing’s going to happen because you’re going to stay put.  Understand?”</p><p>We stare each other down, fuming until Sam steps between us.</p><p>“Call if you need us,” he says, pushing Dean out of the room.  I roll my eyes and nod, sinking onto the corner of the bed.</p><p>Three hours later, I’m laying with my head hanging off the bed with my mother’s journal in hand and earbuds in when Cas appears beside me.  Startled, I try to roll over but end up toppling to the ground in a heap.  Cas pulls me to my feet as I rip the earbuds from my ears.</p><p>“Cas seriously?!  Some warning next time,” I grumble, collecting the journal from the floor.</p><p>“Sam and Dean are on their way,” he says.</p><p>We stand in awkward silence for a few seconds until I raise my eyebrow and ask, “so what are you doing here?”</p><p>“I am trying to be your friend.  Any friend of Sam and Dean’s is a friend of mine.”</p><p>I snort. “I’m not a friend of Dean’s.  He just threw me in his car five seconds after I killed my friend and drove me off into oblivion.”</p><p>Cas shifts uncomfortably and tilts his head.  “He wants to protect you.  We all do.”  Before I can ask why, Dena and Sam enter the room.</p><p>“Time to go” Dean says, looking straight at me.</p><p>“Tell me how you found me.”</p><p>“Lex, I really don’t wanna do this right now.  Let’s just get back home and we can talk.”</p><p>“I want to know now Dean.  Who are you people?  And why the hell did you show up at my apartment?”</p><p>“Cas, get her to the bunker now.  We’ll be there soon,” Dean says, taking my room key from the table by the door and turning on his heel.  Before I can reply, Cas’ hand in on my shoulder.  In an instant and a flash of light, I find myself standing in the bunker.</p><p>“What the hell?” I exclaim, grabbing onto a chair in the kitchen for support.  The world feels like it’s spinning.</p><p>“It’s much faster than a car,” Cas says, bright eyes pinned to the floor.</p><p>“Don’t you ever do that to me again,” I growl, stomping to my room and slamming the door behind me.  “Stay out Cas!”  I yell, just in case he decides to pop in uninvited again.  I curl up in a ball on the bed and rock myself back and forth.  Tears come in hard, shaking waves until I’m drowning in fear and grief again.  A little later, in a haze of puffy eyes and stuffy noses, I hear someone knock and the door swings open.</p><p>“Go away,” I mutter.</p><p>“Can we talk?” </p><p>“I said go away Dean.” </p><p>“Come on Lex, I need to talk to you,” Dean says from the doorway.</p><p>I pull my knees up to my chest and cross my arms, looking at his dusty boots so I don’t have to look him in the eye.  He crosses the room in two long strides and sits at the end of the bed.</p><p>“I don’t mean to be a dick to you all the time,” he sighs, clasping his hands in his lap.</p><p>“It seems to come naturally.”</p><p>He laughs a little at that and leans back on his hands.  His bright green eyes meet mine and my stomach does a somersault.<br/>“It’s always been me and Sam, ya know?  I’m not used to lookin’ out for anybody else.”</p><p>“I never asked you to look after me Dean.  How many times do I have to say that I can take care of myself?”</p><p>“I heard what that demon said before we killed it and so did you.  There’s somethin’ else coming for you.  Me and Sam, we’re not gonna leave you to figure that out all alone.  Even if you want us to.”</p><p>My eyes snap back up to his and I give him a shrug.  “You don’t have to.  I have the journal and-”</p><p>“It’s not happening Lex.  You’re coming with us or we’re staying with you but you’re not fighting whatever’s coming alone.”</p><p>“I don’t need you guys.”</p><p>Dean lets out a frustrated sigh and gets to his feet.  “Why are you so dead-set on proving that you don’t need help?”  He argues, pacing the room.</p><p>“Because I’m a liability Dean. You said it yourself.  My whole life is a list of dead people.  And now one of those people is dead because I killed her.  If something comes after me and you or Sam get hurt…that’s on me.”</p><p>“That’s not on you, Lex.”  He turns on his heel and shuts the door softly, leaving me alone more confused than ever.</p><p>Later that night, I finally emerge from my room to explore the bunker and I find the boys at the kitchen table.  Sam tosses me a burger and some fries from the bag sitting between them.</p><p>“Thanks” I say softly, chosing to lean against the counter instead of sit at the table; the fight with Dean still fresh in my mind.  He looks like he’s going to say something to me but luckily, Sam’s phone rings and pulls our attention.</p><p>I’ve heard the name Crowley a few times since I took off on this disaster of a trip with the Winchesters.  They never seem particularly happy to hear from him or about him, but Sam seems to really hate him.  Which is why I look up in surprise when Sam says Crowley is coming over.  I get up to go to my room, uninterested in sitting in on whatever is coming but a lilting accent stops me in my tracks.</p><p>“Lexana.  How you’ve grown.”</p><p>I turn on my heels and find my Uncle James clad in black looking at me like he’s trying to solve a puzzle.</p><p>“Leave her alone.  It’s fine Lex, go to bed,” he says, nodding his head towards the hallway.  I ignore him and vault across the room to hug James.</p><p>“Where have you been?  It’s been so long and now you’re here and how do you- wait how do you know the Winchesters?” I ask, reality setting in.  It takes me a second of looking between all three men to realize something is very wrong.</p><p>“What the hell?” Dean says, getting to his feet.  I take a step back from James who smiles at Dean like a wolf.</p><p>“Well I heard you were in possession of my precious niece and I couldn’t let her slum it with the likes of you” James says, putting an arm around my shoulder.</p><p>“Lex, I don’t know what he’s told you but that’s not James.  His name is Crowley.  He’s a demon” Sam says, gesturing for me to step away from him.  I look between James and Sam for a second before everything starts making sense.  I pull away from James-Crowley-whoever he is and stumble back against the wall.</p><p>“James?  What is he talking about?” I ask, focusing on the face that I thought I knew so well.  He sighs and blinks and then his eyes are a dark, supernatural red.</p><p>“You should be glad.  Your dear Uncle James is the King of Hell, Lamb.  Come claim your rightful place beside me” Crowley smiles, his eyes returning to normal.</p><p>“Oh like hell she will.  Back away Crowley” Dean growls, stepping in front of me.</p><p>“Explain.  Now.  Who the hell are you and where is James.”  I step out from behind Dean but I stay close to him, fear spreading like wildfire in my veins.</p><p>"I am James.  Or rather, to you I am. I was at your kindergarten award ceremony.  Junior high talent show after that.  Graduation of course.  The summer you spent in traveling the country, singing on sidewalks and trying to call it a living.  Your senior prom was my favorite.  I just left out a few minor details, Lamb.  But I have watched you grow and you are dear to me.”</p><p>I shake my head, unable to reconcile the stranger in front of me with red eye and my Uncle James.</p><p>“I gave you a gift when you were born, you see.  Six months old and already bright eyed and brilliant.  And you’ve done nothing but make me proud since then, Lamb.  <br/>When that boy got too close to you at your senior prom and your power flared-just for a moment-that was when I knew it had worked.  Your eyes fought between black and blue.  They were black when you shoved him down the stairs.” </p><p>Suddenly, I'm in that moment, trapped between a sweaty teenage boy and the balcony railing behind me.  His hands are on me in all the wrong ways and his words feel like ice.  I tried to push.  Tried to ask him to stop.  And then a tidal wave took over and suddenly, he was rolling down the stairs without me ever having touched him and I was tearing through the ballroom.<br/>"I didn't-"</p><p>"Oh it's alright.  You can tell me.  I was there, I saw it happen.  Every time you got scared or angry, I saw your power lash out and then I saw you try to rationalize it.  You needn't be afraid of it, Lamb, it's who you are.  It’s who I intended you to be.”</p><p>“Crowley what did you do to her?” Sam asks, stepping up beside me.</p><p>"Well Yellow Eyes was starting his own little army and I wanted a little insurance.  If we ever got into a fight, I wanted my own general for the war.”</p><p>"Yellow Eyes?  The demon that messed with Sam and those other people?"  Over the last few weeks, I’ve heard hundreds of stories of the things the boys have fought but Yellow Eyes sticks out.  He killed their mother.  He fed Sam demon blood as a baby and made him crave it when he got older.  He was a monster.  "What did you do to me?"  I ask, panic flooding my chest.</p><p>"Well I did exactly what he did.  When you were six months old, I gave you a drop of my blood, not in exchange for a deal I might add.  Just a free gift from the heart” he smiles, rapping his knuckles on the table.  "Call me sentimental if you want, but I've become quite attached to you and that fact has become a problem.  There are…defectors from hell who think if they get to you, they can get to me.  I wanted to warn you that the worst is not yet come, Lamb.  You should come with me.  I can protect you.”</p><p>A cold shiver snakes down my spine and I barely make it to the bathroom before I throw up.  Down the hall, I hear Sam and Dean and James-Crowley- yelling.  Something shatters on the floor but I can’t bring myself to go check and see what happened.  Instead, I sink to the bathroom floor and hold my head in my hands.  This isn’t real.  This isn’t real.  This isn’t real.  The bunker is silent for a long time before Sam appears in the bathroom doorway.</p><p>“We can deal with this.  I fought through it.  You can too” he says, sitting down across from me and stretching his long legs out next to mine.</p><p>“He’s been lying to me my whole life.  He’s been my family for as long as I can remember and he’s-I’m just supposed to accept that he’s one of those things?  And he gave me his blood?  His blood Sam.  What am I supposed to do?”</p><p>“Stay with us.  We’ll figure out what’s coming after you and we’ll deal with it.”</p><p> </p><p>***Two Weeks Later***</p><p>The motel door closed behind Dean hours ago.  I've read my mother’s journals dozens of times.  I could fight whatever's out there.  Looking over at the table by the <br/>window where Sam was doing his research, I sit up.  This is a bad idea.  I grab the knife Dean gave me and tuck it into my back pocket before slipping on my jacket and scribbling down the address that Sam found.  I flag down the first cab I find and hand him the address with a sweet smile.</p><p>"You want North or South, kid?" He asks, handing me the paper back.  Crap.</p><p>"South?" I say, the word coming out much more like a question than I'd hoped.  He shrugs his shoulders and peels away from the curb.  When we pull up at an abandoned warehouse, I try not to panic.</p><p>"You sure this is the spot?" He asks, turning to me.</p><p>"Yep, so sure.  My dad bought some property.  Its a-it's gonna be great."  I say, shoving some cash into his hand and jumping out of the car before he can ask me anything else.  I don't have enough cash for a round trip anyway.  I start to make my way around the building, looking for the Impala or for Sam and Dean when I hear a clatter of metal behind me.  Something's in that warehouse.</p><p>As silently as I can, I push the old, metal door open and try not to cringe when my hand comes away sticky.  Looking down I find blood coating my hand.  Instinctively, I pull my knife out and slip into the warehouse.  The door clanks shut behind me.  A low, groaning sound meets my ears and I move on silent feet towards it.  The warehouse is full of tall, metal racks filled to the brim with wooden shipping crates.  I make my way between the isles, slipping between the crates when I can and crouching low.  </p><p>The groaning gets louder as I move farther into the warehouse.  I can see the end of the racks about a hundred feet ahead giving way to an empty space that must've been a loading dock at one time.  At the last crate, I stop and peek out from my hiding spot.  A man and a woman are hanging from the ceiling from ropes.  Neither of them looks conscious and both are covered in various shades of dried and drying blood.  I try not to gag when I see the tube draining blood out of each of them into metal buckets at their sides.  I am so out of my depth, I think, leaning back against the crate to take a deep breath.  </p><p>Peeking out again, I scan the open area for any sign of who did this.  There's no one there.  Steeling my nerves, I take a deep breath and make my way over to the girl hanging closest to me.  She's out cold.  I saw through the ropes holding her arms above her hand and try not to cry out when her weight lands on me.  Gently as I can, I lay her on the ground and move to the man.  His head lolls from one side to the other as he lets out another groan.  The sound sends roll of shivers down my spine.</p><p>"Shhhh, it's okay, shhh," I whisper, sawing through the ropes above him.</p><p>"Ruh," he groans, shaking me off him.  I place a hand on his shoulder to steady myself.</p><p>"I'll get you out of here, just hang on," I tell him, sawing as fast as I can.  My arms are burning from the effort and he's not as cooperative as the girl was.  Every time I start making real progress, he shakes his shoulders, trying to pull himself free and knocking my knife off balance.</p><p>"Ruhh!" He groans again, his blue eyes glassy and unfocused.</p><p>"Shhh, let me help you!"  Again I grab his shoulder and start sawing on the rope.</p><p>"Ruhn!" He says again, more forcefully this time, kicking out his leg.</p><p>Run.  It's a warning.  I turn on my heel to find a hulking man with winding, blue tattoos wrapping around his arms coming towards me.  Djinn.  I duck and roll at the last second and he collides with the captive man as I collide with the unconscious girl and the bucket of blood next to her.  I gag as blood dumps onto me and try to get to my feet.  The ground is slick and my knife slips from my wet hands.  The tattooed man bellows in rage and runs towards me.  About the time he gets to me, my feet find dry concrete and I push myself up.  He slips in the blood and hits the floor, his yell rattling the windows.  Get the knife.  The man kicks it away and I lunge for it.  My hand wraps around the handle and I roll to my feet, tearing through the aisles and weaving in between crates.  But my sneakers are sticky with blood and as I step on the edge of the next rack, my foot slips and I'm falling to the ground.<br/>My head connects with the metal beam with a sick crunch and my vision swims.  Oh shit.  I try to stand, but the world swims and the Djinn comes into view a few feet away.  Oh shit.  When I finally make it to my feet, there's nowhere else to go.  I climb through the last rack and find myself on the far left wall.  The Djinn ducks under the bars and comes toward me smiling with vicious teeth.  I hold my knife out in front of me as a wave of nausea rolls through me.</p><p>"Stay back."</p><p>As he reaches out a hand covered in blue swirling tattoos, both of us fly across the room in opposite directions.  My head slams into the concrete wall and the world swims before me.  A man in a black suit stands over the limp body of the Djinn, a weapon swooping down fast and clean.  I try to blink the film from my vision but the edges grow darker as the man approaches me.  </p><p>Crowley.</p><p>"Stay back" I slur in a weak murmur, fumbling to find my knife on the floor.</p><p>"Quiet, I'm trying to help little lamb,” he growls, stooping to grab my dagger for himself.  His lips begin to move but the sound is too far away and the world goes black.<br/>***</p><p>"Easy now,” a soft accent sighs beside me.  The fight with the Djinn and Crowley's silhouette come to mind and I jerk awake.  I'm in a tiny room with words in multiple languages carved over every square inch.  The mattress beneath me is thin and lumpy, but the blanket is warm.  Crowley is leaning in the doorway with his arms crossed.</p><p>"Where am I?"</p><p>"Somewhere safe.  No thanks to you or the buffoons that follow you around.”</p><p>"Let me out,” I growl, throwing the blanket off of me and putting my feet on the ground.  The world lists sideways and my head sways on my shoulders.</p><p>"Easy, lamb.  You can leave as soon as you're well.  But I wouldn't advise it.  This little cell is the only thing keeping you off angel radio.  And out of the hands of the demons.”</p><p>I look around, noticing angel wards painting the walls.  There's a metal chair to my left where my knife lies waiting for me.<br/>"Why did you help me?" I ask, getting to my feet.  The world spins and I must brace myself against the wall.  Outside, I hear thunder and a siren going off above us.  "What's going on?"</p><p>"I'm keeping you here for your own good.  Whether you believe it or not, I have come to...care for your well-being in the time I've watched you grow,” Crowley says, shutting the door on me.  There is a small pane of glass to the left and I see him linger a moment, frowning before snapping his fingers and disappearing.  The door doesn't budge when I push against it, so I fall back onto the bed, exhausted.  I must've lost more blood than I thought when the Djinn took me.  </p><p>There's a cut across my right rib cage that aches with every breath and I lift a tentative hand to feel it has been bandaged it tightly and with clean precision.  I try not to shudder imagining that good Samaritan with Crowley's face.  What he said about his blood can’t be true but-I play through a dozen scenarios from my childhood.  Moments where the unexplained happened.  Moments where I was overcome with pure energy and power.  Moments like the staircase at prom.  Something in me whispers just a little, that Crowley told me the truth.  </p><p>Overhead, I hear a faint sound of yelling and the scuffle of feet on a wooden floor.  There are no windows so I must be in some kind of basement.  I lean against the concrete wall behind me and grab my knife, bracing myself for another fight.  Then, I hear my name ringing through the basement, muffled by the door.  Dean.  The door flies open and in seconds, Dean slams Crowley into the wall, Sam and Cas on his heels.  Sam's lip is bleeding but other than that, the trio looks unfazed.</p><p>"I'll kill you, you son of a bitch,” Dean snarls, shoving Crowley into the room.</p><p>"Come on Squirrel, you're not gonna-"</p><p>Dean's knife is at Crowley's throat in an instant.  The king of hell shuts his mouth, with a furrowed brow and cuts his eyes to me.</p><p>"Dean, stop.  He saved me.”</p><p>Dean's bright green eyes flick to mine but his hold on Crowley and the knife never wavers.  "He what?"</p><p>"A Djinn got me when I left the motel.  I was supposed to stay put, I know but I got so bored and well I was fighting it but I dropped my knife and then it was right there and then Jame-Crowley showed up and…and after that I don’t remember.”</p><p>"And then I flayed the monstrosity and brought your beloved back here,” Crowley finishes.  My cheeks burn at his words but Dean just rolls his eyes.</p><p>"And why would we believe you?"  Sam asks, reaching out to help me up.</p><p>"Because he's telling the truth,” I say, finally slinking off the bed and into his arms.</p><p>It takes Sam and Cas holding onto my arms to get me up the stairs and into the abandoned house Crowley has adopted.  When we reach the first floor, I collapse on the dusty hardwoods in what looks like the living room.</p><p>"You're hurt,” Cas frowns, looking at my side.  I simply take a shallow breath and nod.  The angel places a gentle hand on my side and warmth spreads across my ribs.  Immediately, I feel rested and whole.  </p><p>"You’re welcome” Crowley drawls from the other side of the room.  He smirks when we all turn to him in shock.  "What?  Did you really think the door was gonna hold the King of Hell?”</p><p>“Crowley, I swear-”</p><p>Crowley cuts Dean off with a roll of his eyes.  “Settle down, drama queen.  I have an offer to make.  You leave the girl with me and I’ll teach her how to control it.”</p><p>“Control what?”  I ask, looking from Dean to Crowley.</p><p>“The demon blood. You haven’t been around it much yet, but ask Moose, it will call to you until you can’t help but give in,” Crowley says, raising an eyebrow at Sam.  <br/>We stand silently for a second, all of us ready to fight but Cas steps forward and turns to me.</p><p>“I think it might be a good idea.  Sam and Dean can tend to the situation in Ohio and I will stay here with you and oversee your…training.”</p><p>“Cas she’s not stayin here with him” Sam barks, putting a hand on my shoulder.</p><p>“Get your hands off her Moose.  Or we might have a problem” Crowley says, stepping closer.  I wiggle out from between them and look at Cas.</p><p>“Lex, he’s right.  You need to learn how to control this before it becomes a problem.  Cas will be here.  Three days.  We will be back in three days.”  He stomps out of the house without looking back.  Crowley stays in the house as Cas, Sam, and I follow him out.</p><p>“Dean, I won’t screw up again, just let me come with you” I tell him when I reach the Impala.  He has the engine running and his window down already, ready to go.</p><p>“Lex you be careful with him.  Whoever you think he is, he isn’t” Dean replies, looking me in the eyes.  </p><p>“Dean!” I cry as he cranks the window closed, shutting us away from each other.  Sam hugs me before he gets in the car.  Cas and I watch them speed away and I feel a sense of dread welling up inside.</p><p>“This is going to suck” I say under my breath as the Impala disappears.</p><p>“Chin up, Lamb.  We’ve got work to do” Crowley says from my side, making me jump.  He and Cas stare each other down with narrowed eyes for a few minutes before I turn on my heel and trudge back up to the house.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Invader</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I hope you guys are enjoying it as much as I loved writing it &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Three days turns into four.  And then seven.  And then nine.</p><p>Crowley spend the day making me mad enough to see red…or maybe black, and then teaching me how to curb the urge to fight to the death.  In the evenings, Cas teaches me how to fight and stitch up wounds.  On day ten, mentally exhausted from my training with Crowley, I push my bedroom door open to find Dean sitting on my bed, resting against the headboard, legs crossed at the ankles.</p><p>"You here to give me some more orders?"  I sigh, closing the door behind me.</p><p>"I didn't give you orders, Lex.”</p><p>"Yeah.  You did.  You decided what I was going to do and then you left Cas behind to make sure I listened,” I argue, crossing my arms and leaning back against the door.</p><p>"I left Cas behind to make sure Crowley stayed in line.  Not you.”</p><p>"Why are you here, Dean?"  I drop my arms and cross the room, heading to the bathroom to wash the blood off my hands.  Behind me, I hear Dean's boots hit the floor and he follows.  I turn on the water and catch his eyes in the mirror.</p><p>"I wanted to see if you were okay.  Leavin' you here with Cas and Crowley...probably not my best move.  But I'm trying to keep you safe Lex.”</p><p>I scrub my hands and scoff.  "I keep telling you Dean, I don't need you to keep me safe.  I can take care of myself.”</p><p>He winces as I push past him back into the bedroom and I notice a spot on his shirt, dark with blood.</p><p>"Damnit Dean, what happened?"  I gasp, pulling him to sit on the side of the bed.  As gently as I can, I pull his shirt up to expose his wound.</p><p>"Demon got a little closer than I planned.  It's fine, Lex,” he says dismissively, pushing my hand away.</p><p>"You left me here to train, right?  Well Cas taught me some stuff too.  Let me show you what I learned,” I say, raising an eyebrow and lifting his shirt again.  His skin is hot and the blood is sticky as I clean the area and pull a stolen suture kit from my dresser.  He stays silent as I stitch up the wound and when I tie off the stitches, my hand lingers at the end of his scar, inspecting my work.</p><p>"Lex?"  His voice is low and tight.  All of the sudden, I am acutely aware of the fact that my hand is still pressed to his abdomen.  Flushing bright red, I go to move my hand but he catches my wrist and flattens his hand over mine.  My heart races as I lock eyes with him.  "Thanks,” he breathes.</p><p>Whatever I was planning to say catches in my throat so I just nod.  Finally, he lets go of my wrist and my hand falls into my lap.</p><p>"You should get some sleep,” Dean says, clearing his throat and getting to his feet.  Still unsure of what to say, I nod again.  "Night Lex,” he says, pulling the door open.</p><p>"Goodnight Dean,” I reply as the door slips shut.</p><p>The next morning, I wake up early and run through the shower before anyone else can use the hot water.  I pull on black leggings and an old gray and black flannel that I found in the bottom drawer of my dresser.  Some man of letters must have forgotten it here.  It’s a little big, but it protects me from the chill of the bunker, so I keep it on.   I pull my hair into a knot at the top of my head and make my way to the kitchen.  My stomach flips when I see Dean at the table, still not sure what to make of the moment we shared last night.  I try to focus, grabbing a mug from the counter and pouring a cup of coffee as Cas walks in.  Over the last week Cas has eased back on his deeply personal questions and we’ve fallen into our own routine.  </p><p>"Sleep well?"  I chuckle, noticing his messy hair.</p><p>"I don't sleep.”</p><p>"Tell that to your bedhead,” I laugh, reaching out to smooth the unruly hairs down.  Cas eyes me with vague irritation and Dean clears his throat.</p><p>"Where'd you get that shirt?"  Dean asks, stepping pointedly between Cas and I to put his cup in the sink.</p><p>"It was in the dresser.  Why?"  I ask, pulling it up to my nose.  It smells fine to me.</p><p>"It's mine,” he says, turning to lean back on the sink with his arms crossed and an eyebrow raised.  I choke a little on my coffee, eyes wide.</p><p>"Sorry-I can change."</p><p>"It's fine.  I guess last time I was in there I left it,” he says.  The edges of his lips quirk like he's trying to hide a smile.  Before I can respond, Sam comes into the kitchen, the phone to his ear.</p><p>"Crowley,” he says, rolling his eyes and gesturing that we need to go.  I run to my room and slip my black combat boots on and grab my jacket.  Dean is waiting, arms still crossed when I reappear in the kitchen.  Sam slings his jacket on as he heads up the stairs.  One by one, we exit the bunker and climb into the Impala- Sam and Dean in the front and me in the back with Cas.</p><p>"What does he want?"  I ask, leaning my arms on the seat in front of me.</p><p>"He wouldn't say.  Just that we needed to get there fast.”</p><p>Dean presses on the gas and the Impala rockets down the road, forcing me back in my seat.</p><p>It doesn't take long to get to Crowley's makeshift training house.  We get out of the car and Sam takes the rickety, wooden steps up to the front door first.  Through the open front door, we see there's a Devil's trap painted on the floor and broken salt line across the doorway.</p><p>"Something's not right,” Cas says, voicing all our thoughts.</p><p>"This is where he said to meet?"  Dean asks Sam in a low voice.</p><p>"This is where we've been training,” I say before Sam can answer.  Knife in hand, I push between Sam and Dean to step in the house.  Dean grabs my arm and pulls me back toward him.</p><p>"Hell no.  Have you lost your mind?"</p><p>"Let go of me Dean,” I say, feeling the demon blood inside of me boil.  For a moment, I'm not sure he'll listen but finally he rolls his eyes and lets go of my arm.  Taking a deep breath, I step into the house that's been my training ground for the last two weeks.  I take caution with the floorboards that I know will creak as I creep across the foyer into the living room.  Everything is a mess.  The couch is shredded, lamp broken, coffee tables shattered into a million little splinters all over the floor.  <br/>Behind me, Dean curses under his breath.</p><p>"Crowley?"  He hisses.  The house is silent in response.  In the back, where the bedrooms are, a loud crash sounds, nearly scaring me out of my skin.</p><p>"James!"  I cry, running toward the sound.  Behind me, the boys mutter a string of curses but the commotion from the bedroom drowns out the sound.  I fling the door open to find an old woman pinning Crowley to the wall with unfathomable strength.  She turns her black eyes on me and smiles a sickening smile.</p><p>"Perfect.  Just the girl I'm looking for,” she croons.  The demon slams Crowley's head into the wall with unnatural strength and he slumps to the floor unconscious.  In an instant, the woman has me by the shoulders and black smoke is pouring out of her mouth and into mine.</p><p>Oh shit.</p><p>I hear Dean yell my name but the world is all black and grey and smoke.  Just as the rest of the darkness pours out of her, a knife sticks straight through the old woman's heart.</p><p>And then there is nothing.</p><p> </p><p>She's loud, the demon sharing my body.  She takes up every inch of space and screams for me to stay asleep.  I close my eyes and beg her to go but she just keeps yelling, expanding, taking over my mind until it's a swirl of sound and darkness. I close my eyes, but I do not sleep.  I can't.  I have to find a way to get her out of my head.  A name rolls through our shared consciousness, and I think it belongs to her.  Mala.<br/>She turns me around to face Dean, Sam, and Cas who stare wide eyed in horror.</p><p>"Well, well, Crowley has the Winchesters on his payroll now?  What's the world coming to?"  She says, changing my voice just a little.  It's slick and smooth and has an edge of poison in it.</p><p>"Ex-" Sam starts to expel her, but she pins him against the wall with a glance.</p><p>"No, I think I like it in here.  She's worth quite a lot.  There are several…things out there that want the power she holds.  And Crowley has such a soft spot for her.  You try anything and this little huntress-in-training is dead.  Got it?"</p><p>I watch Dean's face fall as Sam nods and drops to the floor.  Just kill her!  I want to scream, but she's in control of my mouth.</p><p>"Let's go boys.  Home sweet home,” she says, pulling my face into a wicked smile.</p><p>On the ride home, she slides me closer and closer to Cas, just to watch Dean's eyes flick to the rearview mirror.  I try to pull back, but she shrieks at me every time so finally I hunker down in a dark corner of myself and stay silent.  The chaos is nearly too much.  I flinch when she puts my hand on Cas' arm and gives him a smile.</p><p>"If she weren't trying so hard to get me stop, I think she might like this,” she laughs.  Cas edges away from me with wide eyes.</p><p>"She's-what do you mean she's tryin' to get you to stop?"  Dean barks from the front seat.</p><p>She slowly slides over, behind Dean and leans up to rest my chin on his seat.  "Oh she’s not asleep in here.  She's stubborn-probably due to all the time she spends with you.  So instead, she's sitting in there watching and listening and trying to take control.  Don't worry though, she can't last.  She'll be out like a light before you know it,” she says, turning my head just enough to make her words flutter the hairs on the back on his neck.  I can hear him swallow over the cacophony in my head.<br/>Mala spends the rest of the short ride humming along to the music spilling from the radio.  Everyone else rides in tense silence.  I want to scream at them to take her anywhere but the bunker, but I know it's no use.  Besides, she's been through my thoughts and my memories already.  She's not even surprised when we pull up or when we trudge down the steel stairs.</p><p>"Aw, so quaint,” she quips, walking through the bunker like she owns it.  I try to steer her to my room, to shut the door and lock it until I can find a way out of this, but she stops me.  Now, now, let me explore.  Or you won't like what I do to your pals.</p><p>"I'll be back soon,” Cas says, disappearing without any further explanation.</p><p>"What do want from her?"  Sam asks as Mala hops up to sit us on the counter.</p><p>"Everything.  Do you know how much they'll pay me for bringing in this little huntress?  Another human with a splash of demon blood that Crowley loves as much as his dead, shriveled heart will allow?”</p><p>"Then why come here?  Why not take her to whoever signs your paycheck?"  Sam asks.  Dean is behind him, pacing the floor, dead silent.</p><p>"See I’m a bit of a free agent.  Still taking bids to see who wants her most.  They don't usually fight for this long.  Besides, why not collect a little information on the famous Winchester brothers while I have the chance?"  I feel her twist my face into a wicked smile.  It doesn't feel familiar.  It feels dangerous-like a challenge.</p><p>"Go find out how we can gank this bitch without hurtin' Lex.  I'll watch her,” Dean growls, glaring at the wall behind me.  My chest aches at the look on his face.</p><p>"Don't worry.  I won't kill you...yet.  I want to see what this place is all about.  Find out why she likes it so much here,” Mala says with my voice as Sam reluctantly leaves the room.  My legs swing and knock against the cabinets as Dean stares me down.</p><p>"The things she's thought about you,” Mala smiles.  </p><p>Oh no.  Please stop.  I beg as Dean's face flickers to confusion.</p><p>"You don't even realize, do you?  God, even now seeing you looking at her all upset is practically breaking her heart,” Mala hops to the floor and takes a few tentative steps toward Dean.  "You were in her bed last night-not the way she's been hoping.  But it's a start.”</p><p>Please let me out.   I beg her, screaming over the sound of Mala's screeching chaos.</p><p>"She didn't want you to know, obviously.  But I think the poor thing's a little smitten,” Mala saunters ever closer to Dean who is frozen, his face stoic and calculating.</p><p>"Mala, please stop!"  She shudders at the sound of her name.</p><p>"One minute" she says, a smile in her voice.  And then the chaos is dead calm.  I shudder at the shock of the silence.</p><p>"Dean?"  My voice comes out weak.</p><p>"Lex?"  His eyes go wide and he's at my side in a second, hands on my shoulders.</p><p>"You need to get her out, no matter what it takes.”</p><p>"I'm not gonna hurt you Lex.  Cas and Sam and me, we'll figure somethin' out.”</p><p>"I'm scared,” I whisper and he puts his hands on either side of my face.</p><p>"Just hang on Lex.  Hang on.”</p><p>And like a switch being flipped, she’s back.</p><p>"So sweet.  Really, I'm practically vomiting at how adorably concerned you are for her,” Mala says, the chaos whipping into full volume instantly.  I cringe and shrink and shrink until Mala is in control.  The sound is too much and the darkness is so cold.  I just want to sleep.</p><p> </p><p>Someone is shouting at me.  The voice is male and has a lilting accent.  It sounds so familiar but the screeching and the sirens are so loud I can't hear him clearly.</p><p> </p><p>Someone says my name soft and firm, like a command with a touch of sadness.  It's a deep voice that cuts through the chaos and bleeds into the warm corner of my soul where I've found refuge.  Lex.  Wake up.</p><p> </p><p>I wake with a start, in my bed in the bunker.  Mala is still inside of me, but she's gone silent again.  I don't dare go looking for her.  Instead, I get to my feet as silently as possible and run down the hall to Dean's room.  He's fast asleep in his jeans and a t-shirt on top of the covers.  Always ready to run in the middle of the night.  My heart aches for the lifestyle he's become so used to.</p><p>"Dean?"  I whisper.</p><p>The world flips as he grabs my arm and flips me beneath him, a knife at my throat.	  "Lex?"  He asks, green eyes full of trepidation.</p><p>"It's me, I don't know for how long,” I tell him, trying to keep my heart and mind as still as possible so I don't disturb Mala.  He loosens his grip on the knife but stays hovering over me.  It's too late.  The screeches start and I feel her snap into control.</p><p>"She's loving this, isn't she?"  Mala smiles, taking a long look at Dean's lips before meeting his eyes.  He jerks back and points the knife back at me.</p><p>"Oh come on, I know you don't want to do that,” Mala says, pushing herself up and closing the space between us, stepping close enough to press the knife to my chest, right above my heart.</p><p>"Lex, if you're in there, I need you.  I need you, just for a second,” Dean says, staring in my eyes.  Mala fights for control but I push and push and push until I'm there, at the front.  I step back just an inch and blink, the tension leaving my body.</p><p>"Hurry,” I choke, the effort of forcing the words out is too hard while I clamp down on Mala's power.</p><p>"Trust me.”  That’s all he says before Mala is back in control.  I am white knuckling, fighting for control but I'm so, so tired.</p><p>"That was a neat trick.  Didn't think she was so strong.  The sound of your voice though, the urgency, God, if I wasn't so hell-bent on my payday, I might just stay in here and listen to you forever,” she smirks.</p><p>"What you said about her...wanting me-is it true?"  Dean asks, the knife falling to his side.</p><p>I crumple ever smaller as Mala’s laughter echoes around me.</p><p>"Cross my heart.  She keeps trying to deny it," Mala takes a step closer and tips my chin up until my nose is just an inch from his, "but when you fight with her she always hopes it ends like this-with you an inch away from her, close enough for more.  If that's all you really want, I could give you two some alone time,” she breathes, making my voice low and gravely.  Dean's breathing hitches just a little and she chuckles before stepping back.  Behind us, Cas and Sam’s voices float in from the kitchen as they get into their morning routine.  Mala tilts my head to the side, a wicked idea brewing as she smiles up at Dean.  "Except, I'd like to have a little fun of my own before I give you two your chance,” Mala smiles, stalking down the hall toward the kitchen.</p><p>I feel her intentions as she struts down the hall.  Cas.  Oh no.  I scream my own echoing cry of anger, but it's nothing compared to the evil pouring from Mala and I can do nothing when we come around the corner and she sets her eyes on Cas.  He and Sam are at the table with Crowley pouring over an old book and arguing.  Cas steps back, pinching his nose between his finger and thumb like he's getting a headache.</p><p>"No, Mala stop."</p><p>All three of them turn their eyes on me as Mala answers me.  "I don't like that name.  Time for me to have some fun."</p><p>Mala stalks towards Cas with a purpose and no matter how hard I pull back, she keeps going, closing the distance until she has to tip my chin up to look him in the eyes.  And then I'm kissing him.  She's kissing him with my mouth.  His lips are soft and warm and I feel my fingers tangle in his dark hair.  Cas doesn't seem to know where to put his hands.  One rest awkwardly on my shoulder and the other hovers across my side, tickling my rib cage.  And it's pleasant; the way he kisses me back with a tentative curiosity, but my stomach still rolls.  I want to scream at him to stop.  I want to yell that it's not me.  Everything in me tears at Mala but she's too lost in the kiss to care.</p><p>"What the-" Sam starts but is interrupted by a slamming door.</p><p>"It's not her, Cas!" Dean yells, storming into the kitchen.</p><p>Suddenly, Cas' eyes are open in understanding and he shoves me away from him.  Mala chuckles and wipes at the corner of my mouth.</p><p>"They teach you that in Heaven?"  She laughs, taking in the gaping faces around her.  Sam's face is a mask of confused disgust and Cas looks almost ashamed.  Crowley and Dean look furious.</p><p>"Get out of her now, you retched bitch,” Crowley snarls, leaping up from the table.</p><p>"I’m not a huge fan of taking orders, especially not from you.  If you’ll excuse me, I've got a promise to keep, boys.”  <br/>"Enjoy it.  I’ll be watching" she says to me.  She winks at Crowley and then the silence is overwhelming.  I slip back into control just as my knees buckle and I hit the stone floor.  Dean is at my side in an instant, helping me to my feet.</p><p>"Lex?"</p><p>"It's-she's so loud all the time.  I can't breathe,” I whisper, voice horse.</p><p>“Is she still in there?”</p><p>Mala rips control away from me and pushes me into Dean’s arms, pulling his head towards me.  “I’m still here.  This is your chance, Winchester.  If you want her, take her,” she whispers in his ear.  When she goes dormant again, he looks at me with panic in his eyes and purses his lips.</p><p>“Sam stay up here.  I’ll be back in five minutes,” Dean says, not taking his eyes off mine.</p><p>“Dean-”</p><p>“Sammy.  I need five minutes and then…just trust me.  Trust me,” he says, looking up at Sam with an urgency in his eyes.<br/>Dean pulls me down the hall I’ve never been down before.  There’s a set of steps going down and he runs ahead of me with my hand in his until we reach a closed door.</p><p>“Lex?”</p><p>“What’s going on?”  I ask, looking past him at the stairs with my heart beating faster than ever.</p><p>“Trust me,” he says, again, looking me in the eye for a long few seconds.  I nod and then his hand is weaving itself into my hair while his other hand slips around my waist and pulls me to him.  Mala gets a little louder and pushes me up on my toes to help my lips meet his.  All thoughts of Mala or Sam or Cas slip away when Dean’s lips meet mine.  His lips are rough, but his mouth is soft, and it feels like fire is flowing through my veins.  <br/>He reaches back and pushes the door open, keeping a careful arm around my waist and guiding me into the dark room below.  He walks us backwards as he runs his tongue over my bottom lip, silently asking for more.  I open my mouth and deepen our kiss, letting him taste me and tasting him back.  Alcohol and coffee mix together on his tongue and I let out a small gasp when he nips my bottom lip.  His hands are everywhere, grazing my ribs and tracing the hem of my pants and everywhere his hands go, a trail of fire follows.  He moves from my lips to my jaw and I gasp when he grazes his teeth along my neck.</p><p>“Dean,” I whisper his name into the dark as he moves us backwards still, and pulls on another door.  We’re in one last small room, so dark, I yelp in surprise when Dean pushes me up against a desk in the corner.  He puts one arms around my waist and one hand under my leg to hoist me onto the desk and then his mouth is back on mine.  He fits perfectly between my legs, leaning forwards as I arch up to meet his mouth.  He groans and the sound sets me on fire.</p><p>“Lex,” he breathes, his voice low and broken and strained.<br/>I wrap my legs around his waist, begging him to get closer and he listens, putting his hands under my ass and lifting me off the table.  We’re on the floor in an instant.  He sinks to his knees and lays me back, kissing my neck and grazing my collarbone with his teeth.  The feeling sends electricity through me and I breathe his name again.</p><p>“I’m so sorry,” he whispers, and the sound is like a bucket of ice falling over me.  In seconds, he’s across the room throwing on the lights and I’m cowering in the corner of my mind again because Mala is shrieking in outrage.</p><p>“You’re going to pay for that!  Let me out!  Let me out!”  She screams with my voice and finally I realize we’re in the center of a devil’s trap.  This must be the dungeon.  I’m in my own head again, trapped by the chaos but I feel a surge of pride at Dean’s ingenuity.  Across the room, Dean is still catching his breath, a look of sadness on his face.  Sam and Cas come bounding down the stairs, staring at me in surprise.</p><p>“Get that bitch our of our girl,” Dean says, taking the stairs two at a time and leaving us all behind.</p><p>Mala’s screeching escalates until I fear blood will run from my ears.  </p><p>As Sam begins reciting the exorcism spell, I black out.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Waking Nightmares</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey guys, hope you're liking the story!  This part has some POV switches, they're all marked but I hope it's not trash.  Happy Friday!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Lex?”  A gentle voice breaks through the darkness and I groan, trying to sit up.  I blink a few times and let out a long sigh.  Mala’s presence is gone.</p><p>“Is she okay?”  I hear Cas speak from across the room and turn to find Sam kneeling at the edge of the devil’s trap.</p><p>“She’s gone,” I tell him.  He pulls me into a hug and helps me to my feet.</p><p>“How did Dean get her into that devil’s trap?”  He asks as we walk back upstairs.</p><p>“Um, it’s a little fuzzy.  Where is he?”  I ask.  The memories of Dean’s mouth on mine are anything but fuzzy, but I don’t want to tell Sam that.</p><p>“In his room, I think.”</p><p>I look down the hall to Dean’s closed door and I feel like I might cry.  “I think I’m going to go to bed,” I say, waving Cas and Sam off when they try to come in and keep watch.  Finally alone in my head and in my room, I collapse onto my bed and try to sort through what happened with Dean and his reaction afterwards.  He didn’t even stay to make sure I was alright.  Maybe he thought using my feelings against me was the only way to get rid of Mala. Something turns in my stomach and I feel young and naive and an aching embarrassment that makes me want to puke.  I was a fool to believe Dean Winchester might actually want me.</p><p>Castiel is at the kitchen table when I wake up.  I can tell from the empty coffee cups that either one or both of the boys have already gotten up.  I offer Cas a tired wave and go to fix my own coffee.</p><p>"How are you feeling?" He asks.</p><p>"Like I just had a demon ripped out of my head.  But other than that I'm fine."</p><p>Cas studies me silently in that unnerving way of his and it makes me think of Mala pressing me against him.</p><p>"Cas can we talk for a second?"  I ask, sitting down next to him.  He nods and continues his silent analysis of my face.</p><p>"What happened between us...I tried to stop her but Mala was strong and I-" I stutter, trying to find the right words.</p><p>"You mean the kiss?"  He says, lifting his chin.</p><p>"Yeah Cas, the kiss.  I just want you to know that I didn't want it-"</p><p>"It was unpleasant then?"</p><p>"What?  No.  It was fine.  Good, actually, I just um- stop looking at me like that!  I'm just trying to tell you that I don't like you like that Cas.  Mala was the one who wanted to kiss you and she mostly did it to screw with...well it doesn't matter.  It just wasn't me okay?"  My cheeks burn bright red as I gulp down my coffee, trying to focus on anything but Cas' bright, perceptive eyes.</p><p>"She was screwing with Dean.  Because of your feelings for him?"  He asks, as if he knew all along.</p><p>"I don't have-whatever Cas.  Just never mind."  I sigh, getting up to put my cup away.  Behind me, Cas pushes his chair out and starts after me.</p><p>"Lex?"</p><p>"It's fine Cas, just forget it."</p><p>"You piss her off already Cas?  I haven't had enough coffee to deal with that yet," Dean yawns in the doorway.</p><p>"I merely noted that her feelings-"</p><p>"He was just saying he's glad I'm feeling better.  Nothing like having a demon yanked out of your head, right?" I blurt, interrupting Cas.  He looks at me confused and when he opens his mouth to clarify, I shake my head just a little.  Finally, he closes his mouth into a tight line and shrugs at Dean.</p><p>"Oh yeah, that was real believable," Dean smirks, waving for us to follow him.  "Come on, we got a case."</p><p>I follow Cas down the hall to Sam's room where books are spread all over the floor.  Dean slips in the doorway and leans up against the wall to the right.  When I enter the room, I shrink into myself as much as possible so we don't brush shoulders.  His eyes follow me across the room as I go to lean on Sam's dresser.  When I meet his eye from across the room he frowns for a second before turning his attention to Sam.</p><p>"What do we got, Sammy?"</p><p>“Bobby called.  This girl, Sarah Gilbert says that Rowena is after her because of her family’s grimoire.  She needs our help.”</p><p>“Who is Rowena and what is a grimoire?” I ask, kneeling to look over Sam’s notes.  It looks like a family tree traced back an impossible number of generations.</p><p>“Rowena is a witch.  Literally.  Also, Crowley’s mom.  It’s complicated.  And A grimoire is a book of spells usually kept in one family.  Why does she think Rowena’s after the book?” Dean asks after explaining things to me.</p><p>“People in her family keep turning up dead.  And there are notes signed by Rowena herself saying to give over the grimoire or another person will die.  Aparently this Sarah girl is on the run with the book and she needs someone to help get Rowena off her scent.”<br/>We all look down at the papers for another second before Dean takes a deep breath and pushes off the wall he’s been leaning on.  “Lets go.”</p><p>We meet Sarah at a motel in Denver, hundreds of miles from her family home in New York City.  Sam and Dean leave me and Cas with her while they hunt down her latest dead relative for clues.</p><p>“Everyone is just going to keep dying.  I have to get rid of this thing.  The magic in there-the spells- I’ve never wanted any part of this life.  I just want to be free from all of this” Sarah says, pushing the grimoire across the table to me.  Something about it makes me feel queasy so I slide it over to Cas.</p><p>“Cas will hide it somewhere no one will ever go looking for it and I will get that cloaking spell going and then you can be on your way” I tell her.  Cas grabs the book and disappears while Sarah talks me through the cloaking spell.  When we’re finished, she hugs me tight and I follow her out to her black jeep in the parking lot.</p><p>“I’m thinking Southern California.  There’s lots of sunshine there, right?  Seems like a good place for a new beginning” she says before she gets in the car.</p><p>“Sounds perfect Sarah.  Stay safe.”</p><p>I watch her drive away, hovering in the parking lot for a few minutes to soak up the cold Colorado air before turning back to the motel.  Almost as soon as I close the door, someone knocks.</p><p>“It’s about time” I say, swinging the door open for Sam and Dean.  There’s a stunning redheaded woman at the door instead in a sparkling gown.  She blows a handful of sparkling dust in my face and the world goes black.</p><p>I wake up tied to a chair in the middle of a dark, empty room.  The cold concrete floor bites at my bare feet and sends a chill up my spine.  Everything swims before me and a dull throbbing aches in the back of my head.</p><p>“Dean?” I whisper out into the darkness.  Lights whiz to life above me, blinding me as the sound of heels click across the stone floor.</p><p>“Not exactly dearie”  a thick Scottish accent replies.  When my eyes adjust to the light, I find the petite redhead woman in a luxurious purple gown before me, her arms crossed delicately across her chest.  Rowena.</p><p>“You must be Rowena.  What the hell is going on?”  I pull against the ropes binding my wrists in place to no avail.</p><p>“You and me are gonna have a wee chat.  You tell me where the grimoire is and I’ll let you go.  No fuss, no muss.”</p><p>“I don’t know what you’re talking about.  Let me go.” </p><p>Tsk, tsk, Rowena clucks, shaking her head.  “Tell me where it is or I’ll be forced to do something neither of us want to do.”  Her voice drips with fake concern as her lips twist into a wicked smile.</p><p>“You do whatever you want Rowena.  When Crowley finds out-”</p><p>“Oh yes, please do tell me what Fergus will do when he finds I’ve taken you.”  She snarls, heels clicking as she approaches my chair.</p><p>“He’ll skin you alive.  Mother or not.”  I growl.  As she leans forward, I spit hard right in her face.  Rowena freezes and for a moment I almost regret it.  Slowly, she wipes my spit off her cheek and places a delicate hand on my cheek.</p><p>“Fine, we’ll play rough.”  She whispers a few words under her breath and sparks dance across my vision as she stalks across the room and leaves me alone again.</p><p> </p><p>*Cas, Dean, and Sam*</p><p>From the minute he walks into the motel room, Dean knows something is wrong.  The room is in perfect order but Lex is nowhere in sight.  Her backpack is packed neatly away under the table where she left it. </p><p>“Sammy!  Cas!” he calls, a wave of panic rolling through him.  Both his brother and the angel run from the parking lot appearing in the doorway in seconds.</p><p>“What’s going on?” Sam asks.</p><p>“Lex is gone” Dean replies, scanning the room in disbelief.</p><p>“We’ll find her, Dean.” Cas says, surveying the room and putting a hand on Dean’s shoulder.  He can feel the fury coursing through Dean like a tidal wave before he removes his hand.</p><p> </p><p>*Lex*</p><p>I scream until my voice is raw for Rowena to come back but she never does.  It feels like hours, maybe a full day until the steel door across the room finally creeks open again.  Finally, I hear Rowena’s heels clicking across the floor but there’s someone behind her.  Someone tall with a familiar head of hair.  Sam.  I let out a low laugh of relief.</p><p>“Finally.  Geez it took you long enou-” the words die on my tongue as a hand flies across my face, the sting of contact delayed by my shock.  When I catch my breath, I look up to see Rowena smiling and Sam towering behind her with his arms crossed.  “What the hell?”  I whisper, the words burning in my already sore throat.<br/>“I told you.  You tell me where the book is, or I play rough.”  Rowena smiles and takes a step back, letting Sam stand directly in front of me.  His eyes are blank and impassive as he stares past me, unmoving.</p><p>“Let him go” I growl, tugging violently at my restraints.</p><p>“Tell me where the book is and I’ll let you go.  Very simple, really.”</p><p>“I don’t know-” Sam’s hand across my face cuts me short again and my cheek burns.  “Sam!  Please!” I cry, flinching away from him.  I search his eyes for any trace that the Sam I know is inside.  But the stare that greets me is hollow.  He pulls the knife from his belt and points the tip to my clavicle, pressing just hard enough to pierce the skin.</p><p>“I would start talking if I were you dear.” Rowena croons from over his shoulder.  Ignoring her, I look up at Sam over the handle of the blade and beg him to remember me.</p><p>“Please Sam, this isn’t you!”</p><p>My screams echo off the walls, drowning out Rowena’s footsteps as she leaves me alone with Sam carving the skin across my chest.  I stay awake long enough scream his name a dozen times and then the world fades to black.</p><p> </p><p>*Cas, Dean, and Sam*</p><p>“It’s been days Cas.  Any word from angel radio?” Dean asks when Cas flashes back into the bunker.</p><p>“Not much of anything that helps.  A few towns over several people have gone missing but that’s-” Cas stops midsentence as angel radio emits a scream loud enough and full of enough pain that it sends him cowering into the chair beside him.</p><p>“Cas?” Dean falls to his knee, reaching out for Cas but not knowing how to help.  “Cas?  What’s going on?  Talk to me.”</p><p>“Someone-there’s someone calling out for help-it’s-I can’t figure out who it is” Cas pants, the scream fading out until the cold silence of the bunker is all he can hear.</p><p>“Do you think it’s her?” Dean asks softly.</p><p>“I don’t know, Dean.”</p><p>“I think it’s time we call for backup,” Dean says, balling his fists at his sides when he stands.  Just then, Sam walks in from the library.</p><p>“Crowley is our backup now?” Sam asks, frowning.</p><p>“You’ve seen how he is with Lex.  I think he’s our best shot.”</p><p> </p><p>*Lex*</p><p>Sam carves the skin along my collarbone for days before I figure out he’s carving in enochian.  He comes in everyday before some faceless mime comes to drop off my daily ration of bread and water, and every day Rowena asks for the grimoire.</p><p>“What does it say?” I ask when she walks in this time.  I don’t have any way of knowing if it’s night or day.</p><p>“What does what say, dear?”</p><p>“The enochian-you’re making him-carve-into me.  What does it say?”  I have to pause between every few words and catch my breath, but Rowena looks amused anyway.</p><p>“Let’s just say it’s a handy combination of my own making.  It keeps any pesky angels away while broadcasting your torment to any of them in the area.  Should do well to make them crazy.”  She smiles and pats my swollen cheek gently and I flinch at the contact. </p><p>“So, you don’t have Cas then?” I ask, hope pricking beneath my skin.</p><p>Rowena just smiles and steps back.  “Tell me where the book is and maybe I’ll tell you.”</p><p>“You can find the book yourself and shove it-” My cheek is so bruised, when Sam’s fist connects with it, the pain stuns me silent.</p><p>“Very well dear, you keep playing hard to get and I’ll keep sending in your boy toys to break you.”  She lets out a sharp whistle and the door squeals open again, a set of heavy footfalls coming toward us.  Sam doesn’t move when Rowena steps back so I can see the new arrival and my heart stalls out in my chest.  Dean.</p><p>“No.  Rowena let them go.  Please don’t do this.”  I beg, wrenching at my restraints with as much energy so my tired, bruised body will allow.  Dean sets down a metal pail of water with a heavy thunk in response as Rowena’s laugh drifts behind her on her way to the door.</p><p>“Dean, please, I need you to focus.  You don’t need to do this.” I plead with him to remember me as Sam grabs my shoulders, but his eyes are vacant.  Dean grabs a hand full of my hair and then brings the bucket up with the other hand.  I barely have time to suck in a breath before he dunks me in the water and holds me there.  My lungs scream for release and just as my vision starts to blur, Dean yanks my head up.  Coughing up water and spit, I try to talk to him again.</p><p>“Dean” I gasp, “please!”  My head in underwater again before I can take a breath.</p><p>I try to count how many times I go under, sputtering for help when he drags me back up to the air, but I get lost somewhere along the way.  Finally, when I’m drenched and frozen to the core, dizzy with lack of oxygen and the pail of water is half empty, Sam lets go of my shoulders and Dean’s hand slips from my hair.  Like programed robots they turn and walk towards the door, leaving me to shiver and sob as waves of exhaustion and terror roll over me.  </p><p>“Cas if you’re out there, I need you.  I need help Cas, please.  Please.”  I whisper over and over again, the words falling from my lips in a steady flow with the tears that seem to never end.  The Enochian etched into my skin is probably stopping my prayers from reaching him, but the worlds tumble out anyway.  My legs ache and cramp, begging to be stretched and most of my forearms have gone numb from stiffness.  When Rowena comes back for her second visit, I sit silently and hang my head forward so my grimy hair creates a wall between us. </p><p> </p><p>*Cas, Dean, and Sam*</p><p>“She’s been gone for how long and you just decided to tell me!?” Crowley bellows, the sound echoing through the bunker.</p><p>“We didn’t tell you because she’s none of your damn business,” Sam fumes, arms crossed as he leans against the wall.  Dean rolls his eyes and steps towards Crowley.</p><p>“We’ve tried everything we know.  Can you help us find her or not?”</p><p>“You shouldn’t have lost her in the first place you morons!”</p><p>Just as Sam steps forward to argue with him, Castiel falls into the room with a hand pressed to his head.  “It’s her.  The beacon is coming from her.”  He groans as Dean puts an arm around him and guides him to a chair.</p><p>“Where, Cas?  Where is she?”</p><p>“I can’t-there’s something in the way.”</p><p>“Something like what?” Sam asks.</p><p>“Like angel warding.”</p><p>The bunker is quiet for a moment before Crowley takes a deep breath.  “Can you get us close?”</p><p> </p><p>*Lex*</p><p>Pain blurs together after a while.  I can’t tell if it’s the healing scars sliced open day after day that hurt or the bruises from being hit over and over again that hurt.  Something has reopened and fresh blood is flowing down my left arm, dying the red and black flannel a dark, rusty blood color that will never come out.</p><p>When the door creaks open, Rowena stalks in followed by Sam and Dean who wheel in a long, narrow table.  They stop to my right and then walk back out of the room.</p><p>“Stop.  Stop.  Please.” I whisper, barely able to hold my head up and look at her.</p><p>“This can all stop when you tell me where the grimoire is dear.  Quite a lot of trouble you’re going to just to protect an old book.”</p><p>“Not the book.  The people you’ll hurt with it.  That’s what I’m protecting,” I breathe, turning my attention to the door where Sam and Dean have reentered, their arms loaded with equipment.  It’s all I can do to turn my head in time to puke on the floor and not all over myself.  Rowena makes a disgusted noise and backs away.</p><p>“Well dear, then you really have brought this all on yourself.  Imagine how the boys will feel when they finally realize what they’ve done,” she muses, glancing over at Sam and Dean.  “Think it over then, will you?”  And then she’s gone. </p><p>Sam cuts the binding from my wrists while Dean messes with the table and tears of relief spring to my eyes.  They got free.  My arms hurt so bad, I cry out when I can finally set my hands in my lap.  As Sam cuts the ropes from my ankles, I go to stand up but immediately fall to the floor.</p><p>“It’s not your fault okay, let’s just get out of here.”  I say, reaching for Sam.  He pulls me to my feet but instead of helping me towards the door, he swings me like a ragdoll up onto the table and holds me down by the shoulders.  When I look up into his face, his eyes are still dull and empty and the cries that follow well up from my soul.</p><p>“No.  Please, please stop.  Dean?  Dean!  Stop!”  I scream, thrashing as he straps my arms and legs down again, this time to the tabletop.  Sam digs his fingers into the freshly carved symbols on my collarbone and my vision blurs with the pain.  I stop fighting and spend the rest of my energy crying and praying through shallow breaths.</p><p>“Cas?  Please Cas I don’t know if you can hear me.  I don’t know what’s real anymore.  Help us.  Cas, please help.”</p><p>Dean slices a shallow cut across my ribcage.</p><p>Sam cuts quick and deep into my thigh.</p><p>They take turns slicing me apart until I’m lightheaded and the room is spinning.</p><p>Please Cas, please.  Please.  Please Cas.  I can’t get the words out, so I repeat them over and over in my head as the world fades to black.</p><p> </p><p>*Cas, Dean, and Sam*</p><p>“Stop!” Cas cries, holding his head in his hands.	</p><p>The impala screeches to a halt after hours on the road.  Cas looks like he’s going to be sick between the Dean’s driving and Lex’s muddled cries echoing in his head.  He pulls the door open and falls out onto the dirt before Dean even turns the ignition off.</p><p>“I’ll go look for her,” Crowley says, vanishing in an instant.  Sam and Dean tumble out of the front seat to get to Cas.  Dean puts an arm around the angel and helps him to his feet.</p><p>“Cas, talk to me.  What’s going on?”</p><p>“Whatever they’re doing to her-Dean it’s bad.  Her physical pain is tied to something deeper.  Some psychological pain that’s taking a toll on her body.  We need to get to her soon.”  Cas explains, leaning against the Impala.  Crowley reappears then, his eyes a light with newly kindled anger.</p><p>“I found her.”</p><p>“Where?  What are we going into, Crowley?”  Sam asks as the four men jump right back into the car.</p><p>“Warehouse at the end of town.  There’s angel warding all over the place and at least eight souls inside.”</p><p>“Demons?” Dean asks, shooting off down the road.</p><p>“None that I saw.  The people inside and the guards outside are just that; people.  Spelled to obey if I had to guess by the stink of bloody magic all over the place.” Crowley grunts.</p><p>“Magic?  Who-” Sam stops short and everyone in the car speaks at once, “Rowena.”</p><p>Dean slowly pulls to a stop in a field across the street from the warehouse using the high grass as cover.  Sam pops the trunk and hands out weapons and cans of spray paint to everyone.</p><p>“First things first, we need to get that warding down so Cas can get inside” Dean says, looking from his brother to the king of hell and finally to the angel.  Cas is grimacing like just being in proximity to the building hurts him.</p><p>“Cas, why don’t you hang back until the warding is at least partially down,” Dean suggests.  Before Cas can argue, Sam steps forward and nods.</p><p>“Good idea.  Let’s go.”</p><p>“Boys, leave my mother for me to deal with,” Crowley says as he lays a hand on both of their shoulders.  An instant later, the three of them are behind the warehouse.</p><p>“Split up, get the warding down, and then get inside,” Dean instructs.  They take off in three different directions, spraying marks across the warding and scraping paint off to break the marks when they can.</p><p> </p><p>*Lex*</p><p>Days are lost to me as consciousness blinks in and out.  When I can, I beg Dean and Sam to remember me but they don’t.  They cut and burn and hit without so much as flinching.  Sometimes, when the lights are too bright, I swear I can see Dean smiling as he inflicts whatever torture Rowena has commissioned.  Somedays he doesn’t look quite like himself.</p><p>After someone brings me food, I am left alone for hours and hours.  Or maybe days.  I can never tell.  When the door squeaks open mere minutes after I’ve swallowed my last bite of stale bread, tremors rock my body.</p><p>“Please, you already came today.  Please, enough.  I can’t- I can’t” the words die on my lips as their faces appear above me again.  Something about them is different, but the world is spinning and I can’t quite make out what it is.  Dean says something for the first time since I’ve been here and then the straps holding me to the table are removed.  Whatever new torture device they’ve cooked up, I want no part of it.  I curl into a ball and kick with weak legs to keep them away as long as I can.</p><p>“Please, no more!  Please!”</p><p>Someone drags me off the table and holds me up when my knees give out.  I hear soft voices, like I’m listening through a thick door to a conversation I’m not supposed to be a part of.  </p><p>“I can’t, not here.  We need to go.”  Someone with a low, gravely voice says.  I wish it was Cas.  I wish so hard that I swear I can smell the clean, crisp scent of soap and shampoo he always seems to have.  Warm, strong arms scoop me up and I watch the ceiling bob above me as we move.</p><p>“Cas, please.  Help me Cas.  Help me.”  I cry, my tear ducts empty and spent.</p><p> </p><p>*Cas, Dean, and Sam*</p><p>Lex passes out as Dean steps over the unconscious man that was guarding her door, prayers to Cas dying on her lips.  His chest aches when he looks down at her broken body so he looks up instead, following Cas back out to the car.  Sam is behind him, witch-killing bullets loaded in a drawn gun in case they run into Rowena.  Crowley might want to have his own form of justice for his mother, but Sam and Dean agreed with one look that if she showed her face, it would be the last time.<br/>Somewhere in the warehouse, a female scream echoes and they know that Crowley has found his mother.  When they get outside, Cas’ shoulders relax.  The warding on the building wasn’t completely down before he had charged in and the toll it took is visible.  He tried to heal Lex’s wounds but he was weak and they were more extensive than any of them had imagined.  When they get to the car, Sam slides behind the wheel and Cas falls into the passenger seat so Dean can sit in the back with Lex out cold in his lap.  The farther they get from the warehouse; the stronger Cas looks.  </p><p> </p><p>*Lex*</p><p>When I wake up, I’m vaguely aware of a hand in my hair and immediately, I gasp for air preparing to be dunked in water.  But the shock of icy water never comes.  Slowly, I open my eyes and realize I’m in the back seat of the impala.  Dean’s profile is right above me and I recoil on instinct, my joints protesting immediately.</p><p>“Woah!  Hey, Lex it’s okay.  You’re okay,” he says, reaching for me.  This has to be another one of Rowena’s tricks.  I scream but there’s nowhere to go.  The car veers off to the left, throwing me across the seat and into Dean’s lap.  His arms wrap around me to hold me still and when I exhaust myself trying to get away, I look up into Castiel’s bright blue eyes as he presses two fingers to my forehead and fall asleep once more.</p><p>The second time I wake up, I’m tucked into my bed in the bunker.  Dean is in the chair beside my bed, his head in his hands.  Sam and Cas are leaning on the wall on either side of the doorway.</p><p>“Cas?” my voice comes out dry and thin but all three of them startle.</p><p>“Lex, you’re safe now.”  Cas says, crossing the room to stand by the bed.  Dean reaches for my hand and I flinch away, focusing on Cas.</p><p>“You heard me?” I ask, sitting up and trying to ignore the pained look on Dean’s face.</p><p>“I did.  I’m sorry it took us so long to find you.”</p><p>“How did you get them back?” I whisper, the past days replaying in my head and sending tears streaming down my face.  Cas gestures to the bed as if to ask if he can sit.  I nod slightly and he sits gently beside me.</p><p>“Get who back?  What did Rowena do to you?” Dean asks beside me, his voice equal parts familiar and strange after so many days of silence.  I open my mouth to answer him, but I can’t make the words come out.  After a few seconds, Cas tilts his head and looks at me with a frown.</p><p>“It’s okay if you can’t tell us.  With your permission, I could look.”  He says.  I hesitate for a moment before nodding.  He puts his left hand out beside him and gestures for Sam and Dean to come over.</p><p>“Place your hand on me and don’t let go until we’re done,” he instructs.  They obey, Dean grasping his forearm and Sam putting a hand on his shoulder.  “I’m going to search your mind.  It won’t take long, just trust me, okay?”</p><p>I nod and Cas slowly lifts his hand to my temple.</p><p>The days of torture Rowena put me through play out at high speed like a movie being fast-forwarded.  When Cas pulls his hand away, I take a deep breath and see Sam and Dean stumble backwards.</p><p>“Lex, we didn’t-” Sam starts.</p><p>“That wasn’t us.  We’ve been here looking for you.  Who were those guys Cas?”</p><p>“Ordinary men,” Crowley answers from where he’s appeared in the doorway.  There’s bright red blood on both of his hands that he slowly wipes at with his handkerchief.  “Dead now.  My mother spelled her to see you two instead.”</p><p>Sam’s mouth falls open in horror and Dean runs a hand over his eyes.  Cas gets up with a frown.</p><p>“What did she want from you, Lamb?” Crowley asks, his attention never leaving me.</p><p>“An old spell book that we found on the last hunt.  The Gilbert Family Grimoire.”</p><p>Crowley nods softly as he sits down in the chair Dean was in next to my bed.  “But you didn’t tell her where it was?”</p><p>I shake my head and lean away from him, the situation feeling uncomfortably like Rowena’s interrogations.  But instead of hurting me, Crowley closes his eyes and shakes his head.</p><p>“Strong, stubborn lamb,” he says under his breath, his lips playing at a smile.  He’s gone in a blink, leaving me with Cas and the boys.</p><p>“Fix her up, Cas” Dean says, turning on his heel and leaving the room.  Sam purses his lips and follows Dean out the door.</p><p>“This may take some time.  The warding on…” Cas trails off as he runs his eyes over the cuts along my chest.</p><p>“It’s fine Cas.  Do what you have to.”</p><p>He presses two fingers to my temple and a warm feeling burns through me.  I feel the relief in my burning, aching joints and muscles instantly.  Even the cuts up and down my legs and torso stop stinging.  When he pulls his hand away, I don’t feel quite so dead anymore.</p><p>“Cas, thank you” I say, catching his hand as he stands.  He looks me over for a second, his gaze catching again on the carving along my chest and he squeezes my hand.</p><p>“We’ll have to have a few more healing sessions.  That warding isn’t going to heal as quickly as the rest.”  His blue eyes are dark with concern when they meet mine again.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Ancient Secrets</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I've got one more chapter written but I don't know if I should call it done or add more...thoughts?  Places you'd like to see it go?  Also I'm sorry abt the formatting.  It's been weird figuring out how to post and I cant figure out how to indent on here so obviously I'm technology challenged.  Also, also your Kudos are giving me such joy.  You're the best. &lt;3 thanks for the love y'all.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Green eyes.  Brown hair.  Knives and buckets of water.  Pain.  Pain.  Pain and fear welling up like rivers flowing through me fast and unrelenting and dangerous.  Stop!  Dean, please stop!  Sam!  Sam, it’s me! It’s me!</p><p>I wake up screaming the next day, vaguely aware of strong arms wrapped around me.  When the nightmare fades out and the room around me comes into focus, I find Dean’s bright green eyes inches from mine.  By body recoils on instinct before I realize he’s talking to me.</p><p>“Lex!  Lex it’s okay, you’re safe!  Wake up!”</p><p>My breath comes in small short bursts until he lets go of me and slowly gets to his feet, putting space between us.  I can see the hurt in his eyes, but the nightmare is so fresh I can’t comfort him.  Instead I press the heels of my hands into my eyes and will my breathing to slow.  Across the room, I hear his boots pacing the concrete floor.</p><p>“I’m sorry” I whisper, tears slipping out onto the blanket knotted around my legs.</p><p>“No, I’m sorry.  We should’ve found you sooner.”</p><p>“It’s not your fault Dean, it’s Rowena.  She made me see-”</p><p>“I know Lex.  I know.”  His voice sounds far away and hollow.  It’s how I feel too; hollowed out and far away from reality.  “Get some rest.”</p><p> </p><p>*Cas, Dean, and Sam*</p><p>“How is she?”  Sam asks, looking up from the table as Dean marches into the kitchen.</p><p>“How do you think she is Sammy?  She’s havin’ nightmares, can’t look at me…Can’t stand to be in the same room as me” Dean growls.</p><p>“Dean, what she’s been through-” Cas begins but Dean cuts him off.</p><p>“I know what she’s been through!” Dean cries, throwing an empty cereal box across the room.  The sound it makes is pitiful and not at all satisfying like he wanted.  The kitchen stays quiet for a second before Sam picks the box up off the floor and sets it on the table.</p><p>“Just give her some time Dean.”</p><p>Dean doesn’t respond, his eye flicking between the coffee pot and the bottle of whiskey.  He pours amber liquid with a heavy hand and downs the burning alcohol in one swig.</p><p>She doesn’t come out of her room that day.  Cas goes in to take her lunch and work on healing her many, many wounds.</p><p>The next night when she wakes up screaming, Sam goes in and Dean waits in the hall, whiskey in hand, anger and regret burning bright in his chest.</p><p> </p><p>*Lex*</p><p>I don’t see Dean for almost a week.  When I wake up screaming Sam is the one there pulling me out of my nightmares and waiting just long enough to see that I’m alright before leaving me alone.  It takes seven days for Cas to fix all the external wounds that Rowena and her lackies left because of the angel warding carved into my skin.</p><p>“You need to come out of your room.”  Cas says when he finishes the last of my healing.  The warding will scar where it was cut open repeatedly but for the most part, my body looks almost brand new.</p><p>“What am I supposed to say to them Cas?” I ask, pulling a sweatshirt on over my black tank top.</p><p>“You don’t have to say anything but I can’t heal the emotional scars Rowena left on you.  Only you can do that and that means leaving your room and seeing that the real Winchesters are not the monsters Rowena made you see.”</p><p>He blinks out of the room before I can argue but I know in my heart that he’s right.  I pull on some jeans and fuzzy socks and walk to my closed bedroom door.  My legs feel unsteady beneath me, like I’ve been on a boat for a month and forgot how to walk on solid ground.  The hall feels massive and gaping and so much bigger than I remember it.  Or maybe I just feel smaller.  More fragile.  I pad down the hall toward the kitchen where I hear voices.</p><p>“She’s not ready for that and you know it, Sam” Dean says.</p><p>“You don’t know that!  She’s been hunting with us for months-”</p><p>“She can’t look at us Sam!  She sure as hell ain’t getting’ in a car with us and driving two states over!  We’ll leave Cas here to take care of her and we’ll be back in a few days.”</p><p>“It’s her family Dean!  It’s her unfinished business!  We can’t take that from her!”</p><p>“What do you know about my family?” I ask stopping in the doorway.  Three sets of eyes snap into me and the room falls silent.  “I asked you a question” I repeat, crossing my arms over my chest.  My gaze falls to the table where my mother’s journal is laid out surrounded by papers and books.  No one says anything so I bring my eyes up to Cas’. “What did you find?”</p><p>“We have a lead on your mother’s last case.  We think it’s connected to the Gilbert family” Sam finally answers.  My eyes flick to his for the first time in days and I remind myself of what Cas told me.  These Winchesters are the real ones.  The ones who fight to save the world.  The ones who run into danger for people who don’t even know that danger is nearby.</p><p>“When do we leave?”  I ask crossing the room to run my hand along the pages of my mother’s journal.  Her handwriting is so familiar and so comforting that a lump starts to form in my throat.</p><p>“We can take care of it.  You should stay here and rest.  You’ve been through a lot” Dean says from my right.</p><p>“When do we leave?” I ask again, looking up and meeting his eye.  He stares at me for a long few seconds and I expect him to argue with me some more, but finally he just says “ten minutes.”</p><p> </p><p>*Cas, Dean, and Sam*</p><p>“I still don’t think she’s ready for this.”  Dean says, throwing his go-bag in the trunk of the Impala.</p><p>“She looked at us again.  That’s progress.”</p><p>“Cas I need you to do something for me” Dean says, looking over at the angel who’s bright blue eyes sparkle with interest.  “I need you to promise me that you’ll zap her home if it gets too bad.  No argument, no pause, just take her home if I tell you to.”</p><p>“Dean-”</p><p>“No Sammy, I’m not takin’ any chances.  If she’s comin’ with us, I want a way to get her out.  That crap with Rowena is not happening again, do you hear me?  Cas, promise me.  Promise me you’ll protect her.”</p><p>“I promise.”  Cas answers as the door to the bunker opens and Lex steps down the stairs with a backpack on her shoulder.  Her mother’s journal is tucked protectively in her arms and she doesn’t let go of it when she tosses her bag in with the others.  She holds it in her lap like it’s her anchor to the world as she sits down in the back seat, right behind Dean.  He slams his door shut and flicks his green eyes up to the rearview.  Normally she’d be looking up at him, like the rearview mirror is their own private space where their thoughts translate through their eyes alone.  This time, however, her eyes are on the journal in her lap and he sees the edge of a pink, silvery scar on her collarbone peeking out of the neck of her t-shirt.  Her clothes hang on her looser than before, he notices and again curses Rowena in his head before cranking the ignition and pressing on the gas.</p><p> </p><p>*Lex*</p><p>We spend hours on the road in silence as I read my mother’s last entry over and over again.  I was young when she died, that’s all I tell Sam and Dean when they ask if I remember her working this case.  They don’t know that I watched her die and I hope not to tell them.  The pitiful, gentle looks they keep giving me after what happened with Rowena don’t need any reinforcement.</p><p>“I still don’t think this is a good idea” Dean says as we pass the sign that tells us we’ve crossed into Indiana.</p><p>“I know Dean.  You didn’t think it was good idea two hours ago, or fours hours ago, or when we left the bunker, or when you were standing in the kitchen talking about how fragile I am before that.  I get it, okay?  You think I’m too broken” I snap.  The Impala swerves to the side of the highway and Dean throws it in park.  Now this feels familiar.  As soon as the car stops, I throw my door open and jump out, ready for the fight.  Sam scrambles out right after Dean but stays beside the car, leaning across the top.</p><p>“Then why the hell did you come with us!?” Dean yells into the twilight.</p><p>“Because she was my mom Dean!  I’m the only person in my family that’s left.  She couldn’t finish this fight so I will!  She was onto something big, something that has to be stopped and I’m going to stop it.”</p><p>“You could’ve let us handle it” he argues, pacing the side of the road.  “You could’ve-”</p><p>“Could’ve what?  Stayed at home?  Stayed in bed for another week?  Spent another week afraid to look in the mirror because the scars won’t go away?  Spent another week afraid to look at either of you?”  I regret the words as soon as they come out and I feel like someone’s hit me in the stomach.  Dean looks much the same and I watch the fight drain out of his bright green eyes in an instant.</p><p>“You could’ve stayed safe” he finally says, running a hand over his face and turning his back on me.</p><p>Before I can argue an onslaught of ambulances and police cars fly past us with sirens blasting at a deafening volume.  The four of us exchange worried looks and Cas disappears leaving the rest of us to get in the car without words.  Dean peels off onto the highway at full speed as soon as there’s a gap in traffic.</p><p>“What the hell is going on” Dean sighs as he presses the Impala to go even faster.  Cas appears beside me in an instant with an answer.</p><p>“The city is in chaos.  There are people captured in a cloud of purple smoke.  It’s like magic.”</p><p>“Cas go check on the Gilbert Grimoire” I say, a vague memory surfacing from when we got the Grimoire from Sarah.</p><p>“Why?  What’s going on?” Sam asks, turning around in his seat.  Without answering, I look over at Cas, urgency flaring up in my chest.</p><p>“Cas go now.”</p><p>He’s gone and back in a matter of seconds.  “The grimoire is gone.”</p><p>Curses roll out of the front seat as Dean slams his fist on the steering wheel.  “What do mean it’s gone Cas?”</p><p>“I mean I went to where I hid it and it was gone, Dean.”</p><p>“It’s Rowena” I whisper as the boys argue around me, not hearing me.  “It’s Rowena” I say again, louder and the car falls silent.  “Sarah Gilbert, the girl who gave us the grimoire, she said there were spells in there that could destroy everything.  The timing isn’t a coincidence, it has to be Rowena.”  I pull my phone from my pocket and dial Crowley’s number.  As soon as I hear the line pick up, I start in on him but another voice cuts me off.</p><p>“Hello dearie, my son seems to be a little indisposed at the moment-” my heart stalls out as I press the speaker button with shaking hands.  “What did you say you needed dear?  I’ve got quite a lot going on.”</p><p>“Rowena what the hell are you doing?” Dean calls over his shoulder as we reach the edge of town.</p><p>“Whatever I want” she says, a smile in her voice before the line goes dead.  Dean skids the car to a stop just outside the police line that’s being set up.  We all fall out of the car together as soon as the engine is dead.  Police officers are busy trying to contain the chaos and failing miserably.  In the center of town, there is a ring of thirteen people hovering nearly six feet above the concrete in a hazy purple glow.  Whenever emergency service officers get too close, the purple haze lashes out and throws them to the ground.</p><p>“Are you guys seeing this?” Sam breathes.  We all nod, unable to say anything at all.</p><p>“What the hell…” Dean curses under his breath.  </p><p>“I-is this connected to my mom’s last case?”</p><p>“It has to be” Cas says as we back around into a quiet ally.  When we finally get away from the chaos, I pull my mother’s journal out and flip to her last entries.  Cas is right.  There are scribbled and notes about the Gilbert family and the grimoire.  It must have answers.  I flip through until I find something familiar.</p><p>“Wait, this is Evansville, right?  There’s a whole list of cities here, what is all of this?”  I ask, handing the journal to Dean.  His eyes scan the page before he looks up at me.  </p><p>“I don’t know.”</p><p>“I need to talk to Sarah Gilbert.  She might be the only one who has any clue what’s going on” I say, turning to Cas.  He looks over at Sam and Dean before placing his hand on my shoulder.  Cas’ angel travel is always disorienting, and it takes me a minute to refocus when we stop.  Sarah Gilbert’s apartment in southern California is in front of us.  She looks confused when she opens the door, her short dark hair hanging in thick chunks around her face.</p><p>“What are you doing here?  I thought I was done with this shit.” Sarah says, crossing her arms.</p><p>“We need your help.  She has the book.”</p><p>Sarah’s face falls and she steps back, letting us inside.</p><p>We sit around her tiny kitchen as I explain the situation in Evansville to her and Cas stands silently near the door.</p><p>Sarah stares down into her coffee mug for a long time before shaking her head and looking up at me.  “There’s something I should’ve told you.  Something about a spell in the grimoire that I found a long time ago.  I never wanted any of this magic and angels and supernatural shit, ya know?  But I think I know what she wanted the book for.  There’s a compound spell in the book that someone pieced together a long time ago.  I could never tell exactly what it said but I think…I think that Scottish bitch is trying to increase her power.”</p><p>“A compound spell?  What does that mean?” Cas asks, crossing the room in seconds.</p><p>“There was a spell on an old, piece of paper-like when people used skin for paper old- and there were a lot of languages that I couldn’t read.  But what I could read was bad.  Like-” She looks over my shoulder and stops short.  Pointing at the TV in the living room she sighs “like that bad.”  The scene from Evansville is playing out in three other cities around the country and officials are in a state of panic.  </p><p>“What is it for?”</p><p>“I think it’s for gathering power.  If she finishes this spell, nothing will be able to stop her.”</p><p>“Sarah I need you to think really hard, do you have anything else related to the grimoire?  Do you have anything that can help us stop this?”  I can see the answer in her eyes before she shakes her head.  </p><p>Cas offers to zap us back but my chest feels like it’s filling with water.  The world feels like it’s on the edge of a cliff heading over at full speed and I just need one second to think.  As we walk numbly into the parking lot my phone starts ringing and when I see the name on the caller ID, tears spring to my eyes.  Even after all the lies he’s told, he’s still the only family I’ve got left.</p><p>“Uncle James?”  The name rolls off my tongue familiar and safe.</p><p>“Lamb?  I don’t have much time.  This won’t be pleasant, but I need to do this.”  His voice fades into something far away and ancient, and the world feels cloudy.  When Cas touches my shoulder, I feel like I should tell him something is happening, but I can’t seem to get past the sound of Crowley’s words in my head.</p><p> </p><p>*Cas, Dean, and Sam*</p><p>When Cas zaps back to Evansville, Sam and Dean are already in the car.  Lex looks strange, her eyes wide and vacant.  Dean goes to her side in an instant.</p><p>“Cas?  What happened?”</p><p>“She made a phone call and she’s been like this ever since.”</p><p>“Get her in the car.  We gotta get out of here.”  Dean tosses the keys over the hood of the car to Sam and pulls Lex into his lap in the back seat.  Cas gets into the front seat while Sam starts the Impala and whips back around on the road.  Lex is whispering a constant stream of unintelligible babble as they fly down the road.</p><p>“Is that Aramaic?” Sam asks, looking to Dean in the rearview.</p><p>“How the hell would I know?” Dean snaps, looking to Cas.</p><p>“It’s part Aramaic.  But there’s also Enochian and Greek.  I would need to spend time studying it to be able to decipher it.”</p><p>“Did that Gilbert chick have anything to say?” Dean asks looking down at the shaking blonde in his arms, her blue eyes empty and blank.</p><p>“Sarah Gilbert said the spell Rowena is using is an ancient homemade compound spell to collect power.  She didn’t have anything that would help.”  Cas explains.</p><p>“What the hell?  Lex!?”  Dean cries out as Lex begins seizing in his arms.</p><p>Sam stops at the first motel he sees and pays for a room while Dean waits in the car.  When he comes out of the office and holds up the room key, Dean carries Lex across the parking lot and into the motel room.  Lex’s hand grabs onto his coat and for a second, he thinks she’s coming out of it but instead she wraps her hand around the journal in his pocket and starts flipping pages until she finds blank pages.</p><p>“Lex?  Lex, what’s going on?”  Dean asks as she stalks across the room scratching on the pages.  She seems frantic and pulls the knife from her belt and draws it across her left forearm as the boys cry out behind her.  Lex dips her finger in the pooling blood and begins writing across the blank pages with blood.</p><p> </p><p>*Lex*</p><p>I need to write the words flying through my head.  I need to write them.  Get them out.  Put them on the paper.  No ink.  No ink.  Blood is ink.  Blood can be ink.  Write the words.  Write the words.  Write.</p><p> </p><p>The words are gone.  There is nothing left.  There is darkness.  Rest.  Finally.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. The Kids Aren't Alright</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I wake up with an aching arm and a pounding headache and Dean holding me tight in his arms.  </p><p>“What happened?” I ask, sitting up slowly.  Next to me, Cas and Sam get to their feet from where they have been sitting at the table by the window.</p><p>“Lex?  What the hell was that?  Are you okay?”</p><p>“I don’t- I don’t remember…Crowley called and then there were all these words in my head and I needed to get them out and…what happened?”</p><p>“Whatever Crowley did, it was like you were possessed.  You cut your arm open and started writing in blood.” Dean explains as I run a soft hand over the bandage on my arm.</p><p>“Well what the hell did I write?”</p><p>“I think you gave us the answer to the Rowena problem” Sam says, handing me a stack of papers.  It takes a while for me to sort through the pages and find the English translation in Sam’s clean handwriting at the bottom.  The list of ingredients and specifications is long and strange until I get to the bottom.</p><p>“A bond of two human souls?” I ask, looking up at Sam and Cas.</p><p>“That’s what it looks like.  Whatever Rowena is doing is linking the lives of dozens of people in 13 cities to her as the source of her power.  Bonding the souls of two people will give them some kind of unnatural power and the ability to break the link” Sam explains.</p><p>“Who-who is going to do this?  You and Dean?”</p><p>“This isn’t the kind of bond you want to take with your brother, Lex” Dean chuckles.  “Every thought, feeling, emotion, experience, everything gets shared.  I don’t need to know all that about Sammy.”</p><p>The silence in the room starts to make sense as I get to my feet and drop the papers on the bed like hot coals.  “You want me to do it.”</p><p>“Lex, just sit down.  You lost a lot of blood and we don’t have to make any decisions right now.  We got time” Dean says, getting up and reaching for my arm.  I jerk it back and stumble away from him.</p><p>“I just need to get some air.”  The door closes behind me with a thud and I cross the parking lot just in time to puke in the bushes behind the Impala.  I lean back on the cool metal and let the quiet of the night soothe my frantic heartrate.  But the silence doesn’t last nearly long enough.</p><p>“Dean asked me to take you home” Cas says, standing a few feet away from me.</p><p>“I’m fine Cas, I just need a minute to think.  How much time do we have?”</p><p>“Rowena has three towns right now but there’s no telling when she’ll get the next one.  Dean is insisting I take you home.  He-he made me promise.”</p><p>“Made you promise what Cas?”</p><p>“I promised him I would take you home if this trip got to be too much for you.”</p><p>“That is just like him!  I cannot believe him.  He’s always trying to stop me and slow me down and you know I can take care of myself.  I’m not some fragile little thing he needs to protect and this isn’t too much it’s just-”</p><p>“He wants to protect you” Cas interrupts.</p><p>“I can protect myself!  I’ve been doing it my whole life!” I yell as our motel door opens.  Across the parking lot, I see Dean’s tall figure silhouetted in the doorway.</p><p>“Cas, you promised” Dean barks, crossing the asphalt in a handful of long strides.</p><p>“No!  You don’t get to tell him to babysit me!”  I yell, stepping between him and Cas before he can reach the angel.</p><p>“Cas, I swear-” he says over the top of my head.  I shove him as hard as I can, but he barely moves, but it gets his attention.</p><p>“Stop talking to him like I’m not here!  I am right here, and I can take care of my damn self!” I scream.</p><p>“You are delusional if you think you’re alright!  You sat in the back of my car having seizures and speaking dead freaking languages for an hour Lex.  You need to go home!”</p><p>“I can ride in the damn car with you!  Getting home and pacing the bunker getting ready to fight with you isn’t going to change anything!  I’m not going to rest, or sleep, or calm down Dean!  I’m going to pace the damn bunker and think about how much I hate the way you talk to me and how stupid it is that I want you to think I’m good at this life and how insane it is that I might have to share the rest of my existence tied to you!”</p><p>The silence that hangs between us feels worse than anything he could’ve said to me and I realize that I’ve said too much yet again.  Why is always Dean Winchester getting into fights with me and making me regret every word that comes out of my mouth?</p><p>“Well we’ve got plenty of time on the road tomorrow for you to think about all of that.  Go get some sleep” Dean says, leaning back against the Impala.  I stomp past him, back towards the room before he can see the tears burning in my eyes.  Sam is pouring over the papers at the table when I softly shut the door behind me and sag against it.</p><p>“That was some fight.”</p><p>I bury my face in my hands without answering him.</p><p>“He means well Lex.  He wants to protect you, that’s all.”</p><p>“I am so sick of hearing that as an excuse.  Sam, he doesn’t want to protect me he wants to tell me what to do.  That’s all he ever does.  And meaning well doesn’t just cancel out all the things that aren’t fair.  He’s-he’s impossible.”  I cross the room and flop on top of the bed farthest from the door.</p><p>“Get some sleep Lex.  It’ll be better tomorrow.”</p><p> </p><p>*Dean and Sam*</p><p>When Dean walks back into the motel room Lex is out cold on top of the covers in true hunter style.  Sam is stretched out on the bed closest to the door, eyes closed and hand on his chest.  Dean scans the room and starts to walk across to the arm chair in the corner when he hears Sam behind him.</p><p>“I thought you were sleeping in the car.”</p><p>Dean sighs and turns back to his brother who still hasn’t opened his eyes.</p><p>“It’s freezing.  I just need a few hours and I’ll be good to go.”</p><p>“Here, I’ll take the chair.”  Sam gets up and runs a hand through his messy hair, clapping Dean on the shoulder before falling into the armchair and stretching out.  “Where’s Cas?”</p><p>“Out doing research, trying to figure out where Rowena is.”  Dean falls back on the bed, turning his head toward Lex.  </p><p>She looks so soft and peaceful when she sleeps.  Her light blonde hair fans out around her like a halo.  All the fight and fire drained out of her body leaves her curled up and small and fragile.  Dean sighs noticing that she’s shivering in her sleep.  He leans up and pulls his jacket off, leaning across the space between their beds to drape the jacket on top of her body.  Across the room, Sam smiles to himself as Dean falls back on his bed and falls asleep almost instantly.</p><p> </p><p>*Lex*</p><p>I wake up warm with the smell of leather and whiskey wrapped around me.  As the world comes into focus, I find Dean’s jacket draped on top of me.  Across the room, he’s coming out of the bathroom, pulling a black t-shirt down over his head.  The sight of water droplets rolling along his bare abdomen sends my stomach up to my throat.  I catch his eye and he stops short in the bathroom doorway.</p><p>Clearing my throat, I let my gaze drop down to the floor and run a hand across my face, rubbing the sleep from my eyes.  Dean’s jacket slips off my legs onto the floor.  When I lean forward to pick it up, Dean’s hand touches mine.  I jerk back from the contact and let him pick it up.  The room stays silent while he sits on the bed and pulls his boots on.  When I move to get up, he reaches out and puts a hand on my knee, making me go still.</p><p>“Lex…I’m sorry okay?  I wasn’t tryin to piss you off.  I just-I can’t- I don’t want to see you get hurt.”</p><p>“I don’t need you to worry about me, Dean.  I appreciate it but I don’t need it.  I can take care of myself.”</p><p>“Rowena has two more cities.  We need to go” Sam says, pushing through the door with an armful of coffee and breakfast sandwiches.  He hands us each some food and a cup of coffee as we gather our things and clear out of the motel room.  When I fall into the backseat, Dean catches my eye in the mirror and it feels like something is there again, something silent and unclear and private.</p><p>As we pull out on the road, I flip through my mother’s journal for the dozenth time.  Her notes are vague and not very clear, but they fit with the story Sarah Gilbert gave us. 13 cities are listed as potentially power-heavy locations.  When I get to the next page, I find bloody images and symbols all over the page.</p><p>“I can’t believe I wrote all of this.  I don’t remember it at all” I say mostly to myself, but Sam turns around in front of me.</p><p>“We tried to stop you a few times but when we did, you started to seize.  When we finally just let you go it went fast but it was hard to watch.  There was so much blood.  But then all the sudden you were finished and you passed out.  We were really worried about you Lex.”</p><p>“It was James-I mean Crowley though right?  Whatever he said to me is how this all happened?”</p><p>“That’s our best guess.  Why the hell did you call him, Lex?  You knew Rowena had him last time we called” Dean says catching my eye in the rearview.</p><p>“I didn’t call him Dean, he called me.  And I know he’s Crowley to you guys but for my entire life he was Uncle James.  He was always kind and off on adventures where he sent me post cards.  After what Sarah told us, I just need to hear his voice, I just needed to talk to someone safe and familiar.”</p><p>“Crowley isn’t safe” Dean argues.</p><p>I fire back almost instantly, “maybe not to you but he looks out for me.”</p><p>“Oh yeah he did a bang-up job of keepin’ you out of trouble all month.  You got possessed by one of his defectors and captured and tortured by his mom.  He’s a real freakin’ saint.”  Dean rolls his eyes.</p><p>“What about you, Mr. ‘I have to protect you so stay here and shut up and don’t do anything’?  I was with you when that demon got to me and I was waiting for you when Rowena grabbed me.”</p><p>“Lex-” Sam starts but doesn’t say anything and I feel the instant regret cut through my chest.  Why is it always like this with Dean?  Always too many words and too much anger and always, always regret.  We drive in silence for a long time.  Dean cranks the radio and I lean my head against my window, watching miles of interstate roll away beneath us.</p><p>When we come up to the bunker’s garage the sun is rising, painting the whole world and red and gold.  Normally I would find it beautiful but today it reminds me too much of a burning wildfire.  If we don’t stop Rowena, that might be next.  Dean turns off the ignition and sits behind the wheel while Sam scrambles out of the car.  I wait in the backseat until I see the door shut behind him and then I let out a long-held breath.</p><p>“I didn’t-”</p><p>“Don’t.”  Dean stops me short, getting out of the car.  I follow him and grab his arm, turning him around to face me.</p><p>“Stop telling me what to do and just listen to me.  I didn’t mean what I said earlier.  I don’t blame you for anything that’s happened to me.  I’m sorry.  It’s just-” when I stop, unsure of how to say everything I want to I find Dean staring down at me, waiting.</p><p>“It’s just what?”</p><p>“Every time I talk to you it ends in a fight.  And then I go too far and I don’t know why.  You drive me crazy Dean.  You make me mad and you argue with me and I don’t know how to stop fighting with you, but I am sorry.  Really.”</p><p>He doesn’t say anything, just keeps watching me with those bright green eyes and his mouth set in a firm line.  There is a moment where the air between us goes still and I forget to keep breathing and I almost think he’s going to kiss me.  But he lets out a sigh and shakes his head, rapping his knuckles on the top of the car.</p><p>“I’m sorry too.  I don’t try to fight with you, it’s just easy” he finally says.  I don’t know what to say to that.  Instead I nod and will myself to move, walking past him and doing everything in my power not to turn back and look at him.</p><p>Cas and Sam are in the kitchen when I walk in and I hear Dean in the hall behind me.</p><p>“Lex I know you’re uncertain about the bond but you need to make a decision.  Rowena has eight cities under her control and signs are cropping up in two more that won’t be far behind.”  Cas gets straight to the point, never giving me a second to decompress or breathe.  I think of all the things I’ve kept secret about my past, all the things I swore never to talk about.  My mind drifts to the moment in the motel where things between Dean and I felt strange and then to just now in the garage.  I might be lying to myself about how I feel about him but if we do this bond, the truth will come out.  My cheeks burn red and I shake my head.</p><p>“I need more time.”</p><p>“We don’t have time Lex.  If there were any other way we would find it but I don’t think there is.  With a spell this complex and this powerful, it’s our only option” Sam says, putting a hand on my shoulder.  I shake out of his grip and stumble back into the hallway.</p><p>“I can’t.  I can’t do this.”</p><p>“Geez Lex don’t be such a baby about it.  Believe me, I don’t wanna do it either.  If there was anyone else, we would use them, but there isn’t.  Sam’s mind can’t handle something this strong.  There’s no one else.  There’s just you and me” Dean says stepping in front of me.  If there was anyone else…I can’t let him in my head.</p><p> “I don’t want to do it!” I cry, turning on my heel and stomping off down the hall.  The door to my bedroom slams behind me with a satisfying thud but I’m not alone for long.  Cas appears beside me and I heave a sigh.  “Please Cas, I can’t.”</p><p>“Why not?”</p><p>“If I bond with him…there are things even Sam and Dean don’t know about me.  Things I don’t want them to know.  If we bond like this then all of my secrets come out.”</p><p>“So do his Lex.  Besides, what kind of secrets could you have that you would let the world burn to protect?”</p><p>I sigh and put his hand to my temple.  “Look.”</p><p>It feels like falling down the rabbit hole when Cas flies through my memories.  I try not to stall on the trivial things but I’m not sure how much control I actually have.  Soon we land where I intended, where I wish I could forget.</p><p>I feel like a little girl again, ten years old hiding in the closet and choking on my tears as something unexplainable with claws and fangs kills my mother.  The leather-bound journal she shoved in my hand before locking me in the closet cuts into my arms to remind me that I am alive, and this is not a nightmare-it’s real.  The blood soaking into the carpet and creeping towards me is real.</p><p>I feel numb horror that floods me at sixteen when men with black eyes pulled my father apart before my very eyes.  It feels like an out of body experience as I stalk across the hall to grab the journal from my dresser and slip down the stairs.  The words from my mother’s journal swirl before my eyes as I run down the front steps and into the street.  I run for as long as my body will allow.  And then I run a little farther.  My legs don’t burn until I finally collapse in an unfamiliar place; the image of my father’s limbs strewn across our living room seared into my mind forever.</p><p>I feel the dull ache that took over two years ago, after I had spent four years on the run from the impossible, when I stared at the handful of stolen pills in my bag and the stolen bottle of whiskey in my hand.  The blinding light of a hospital room.  The disappointment that I had failed…and the relief.</p><p>I see bodies everywhere I turn, the trail of death that’s been following me all the way to the Winchester’s doorstep.  Friends and acquaintances and innocent bystanders dead at my feet because they spent too much time in my presence.  Death.  SO much death.</p><p>We hover in other random memories for a second before we fall into something new.  Something recent that sends panic coursing through me.</p><p>Oh no.  Not this.</p><p>I try to get control from Cas but we’re too deep in a memory from a few weeks ago, a moment late at night when Dean’s whiskey-glazed green eyes locked on mine and my stomach flipped.  All of our arguments play out intermingled with my panic on the rare occasion that he might smile at me.  We fall though time and land in the night when Dean kissed me with Mala hiding in my mind.  Our secret of how he got Mala in the devil’s trap is secret no more.  Even caught in memories, my stomach flutters uncontrollably at the sight of him.</p><p>When Cas finally lets go of me, I stumble back into my desk.</p><p>“You weren’t supposed-”</p><p>“I’m sorry-”</p><p>We speak at the same time and then fall silent, the weight of my secrets crushing down on us.</p><p>“You can’t tell him” I finally breathe.</p><p>“Lex…these things are serious and I am sorry for what you’ve been through but the spell was clear; we need two human souls bound to stop this.”</p><p>“I know but-” Before I can finish, the door flies open, and Dean is in the doorway with Sam hot on his heels.</p><p>“Would you stop doin’ that!” He barks at Cas.</p><p>“It’s a lot to ask of her.  You should give her time to consider” Cas sighs, not meeting my eyes.</p><p>“It’s a lot to ask of her?” Dean quotes incredulously, “I’m part of it too and you don’t see me throwing a fit.  That spell is all we got.”</p><p>“Can you all just give me one minute to myself!?” I cry, pulling my hair into a knot at the top of my head in frustration.  The panic bubbling in my chest is rising fast.  Dean opens his mouth to protest but Cas pulls him from the room.  Sam lingers in the doorway, running a hand through his hair as I begin to pace.</p><p>“Wanna talk about it?” He asks, leaning on the door frame.</p><p>“Not much to talk about.  Dean’s right, the spell is all we have and we need to do this for the spell to work.  It’s just a lot to take on.  You know how me and Dean are…we can’t stop fighting to save our lives and now I’m supposed to share all my thoughts and…I don’t know if I can do it Sam.  Sharing all my feelings-” I trail off into silence falling onto the foot of my bed, suddenly exhausted.</p><p>“And by feelings you mean your feelings for him right?”</p><p>My eyes go wide and I fumble for words.  “I don’t- That’s not- I just-”</p><p>“It’s okay Lex.  Just so you know, I think he’s just as scared to do this bond as you are.  He’s got more baggage than you could ever imagine.  You’re not the only one scared of what’s going on in their head.”  Sam gives me a sad smile and claps the doorframe on his way out, leaving me alone.</p><p>I think about what Sam said and about Dean and the fire always burning in his eyes.  He’s lived his whole life saving people, saving the world, going to literal Hell and back, and that’s what this is to him; his next job.  I think about the way his hands are constantly in fists and the way sleeping with a gun under his pillow has become second nature.  And then I think about the stupid spell that got us to this point in the first place.  There really is no other way.  I’ve got to do the bond.  If not for me, then for everyone else in the world who will never know what it’s cost me to keep them alive.  </p><p>Fear surges through me as I finally get to my feet.  Cas is pacing the war room floor when I finally get to the doorway.  It feels like it took hours just to get down the hall.  Sam and Dean are at the table, each with a beer in hand.  I take a second to remember them just like this, before the shitstorm that is most certainly about to hit.  Sam barely touches his beer except to swirl the contents around slowly in the bottom.  Dean takes a long, slow pull and when he puts the bottle down his eyes meet mine.</p><p>“I’ll do the bond-but first I need to talk to you.”  Dean goes statue-still, green eyes searching mine.  After a long few silent seconds, he passes a hand over his face and gets to his feet.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Secrets Exposed</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Standing against the dresser in my room while Dean stands in the doorway feels like standing in a war zone.  Like the foot of my bed is the invisible line dividing us that neither of us are ever willing to cross.  Even when he’s right next to me, Dean feels far away.</p><p>“Lex-” Dean sighs but I put a hand up to stop him.</p><p>“Stop.  Stop trying to tell me this is my duty and stop calling me names and stop fighting with me.  Stop acting like I’m some spoiled brat because I’m taking time to think instead of just merging my soul with yours.”</p><p>“Lex you know this has to happen.  Rowena is gonna destroy everything if she finishes this spell and this is the only way to stop it.  We don’t have the luxury of thinking our choices through.  There are people counting on us!”</p><p>“Well I never asked for that kind of responsibility!  If we do this, it means giving up every plan for our futures.  No moving on, no marriage, no kids, no normal life.  I wasn’t planning to give that all up when I woke up this morning!”</p><p>Dean hangs his head in silence for a second before looking up at me with a frown.  “I was never gonna have any of that.  Maybe you were and I’m sorry about that, I am, but your future is different now.  We have pissed off that red-headed bitch too many times to count and you can bet your ass she’s coming after you and me and everyone we’ve ever met and this is the way to stop it.”</p><p>I realize than that both of us have moved closer to the invisible line.  Now only 6 inches and two months of arguing separate us.</p><p>“There are things you don’t know about me Dean.  Things I never wanted anyone to know.”</p><p>“Geez Lex, you think I don’t feel that way?  I’d give anything not to have to shove all the shit I’ve been through on you like this.  You deserve better than that.  I want to protect you, but I can’t this time.”</p><p>We both shuffle forward, closer to the uncrossable line where the air feels different.  Dean reaches out like he’s going to touch my face, but the gesture stalls out and his hand falls to his side.</p><p>“You don’t need to protect me Dean.  I’ve had lots of practice doing that myself.”</p><p>His green eyes snap up to mine.  “That doesn’t make it easier to stop worrying.”  His words have my heart hammering in my chest.  I take a deep breath and not for the first time, I feel something shift between the two of us.  </p><p>When we get back to the war room, Sam and Cas are talking in hushed tones.  At our arrival, their heads snap up.  “There’s another town under quarantine.  That makes ten” Sam explains, pointing to the new flashing spot on the table’s map.</p><p>“Guess it’s a good time for us to bond then” I say leaning my head against the door frame.  Suddenly the tasks ahead of me seem too exhausting to fathom.</p><p>“I’ll gather the supplies for the bond” Cas announces, blinking out of the room a heartbeat later.</p><p>“We should probably set up downstairs” Dean says, stalking off down the hall and leaving Sam and me alone.</p><p>“You sure about this?”</p><p>“Don’t really have a choice” I reply, my gaze following Dean down the hall.  “But yeah, I’m sure.”  Sam puts an arm around me, shooting one last look at the new flashing city on the map before walking down to the dungeon with me.</p><p>Cas return with an arm load of strange items and potent spices only a few short minutes later.  We all work in silence, mixing dark liquids, crushing ingredients into a bowl, strategically placing and lighting candles.  Finally, Sam turns to me and Dean holding two cups.  Together, cups in hand, we step to the middle of the circle of candles on the floor and stand on opposite sides of a small table with a bowl on it.</p><p>“Cheers,” Dean smiles, knocking his glass against mine.  I try to smile but it feels more like a grimace so I drop it and bring the cup to my lips.  The smell of whatever is inside makes me gag.  I close my eyes and pinch my nose shut, gulping down the mixture and nearly heaving.</p><p>“Oh my god, that’s disgusting,” I gasp, setting the cup on the floor.</p><p>“Ready?”  Dean asks, catching my eye as he slices his left palm open.</p><p>“As I’ll ever be,” I reply, taking my own knife off my belt and dragging it across my hand.  I bite back a cry at the sting of the blade.  We each let some blood drip in the bowl between us before stepping back.</p><p>“Now,” Cas says, looking up from the old leather-bound book in front of him.  Sam drops a match into the bowl as Dean grasps my forearm.  I hold his arm tight, despite the slick blood coating my palm.  As Sam starts to read, the cut on my palm starts to burn.  The feeling wraps itself around my wrist and slithers up my arm towards my elbow.  A bright, thin string of light begins to wind around my and Dean’s clasped arms.</p><p>I try to focus on Sam’s voice as he reads the spell, but the pain lancing through my forearm is debilitating.  Dean’s arm burns hotter and hotter against my skin and all I want is to let go.  Instead, I grip him tighter and I feel his fingers tighten around my arm in response.  I hold my breath and bite my lip so I won’t scream but the pain in unbearable.  Our glowing arms burn white hot and as I close my eyes, a tidal wave of words and feelings washes over me.  </p><p>Dean’s voice is in my head.  His feelings, his fear, his curiosity; it all echoes through my head as if it all belongs to me.  The heat on my arm doubles as I experience his pain and my own at the same time.  It nearly brings me to my knees.  And just as fast as the wave surged, it pulls back and I can breathe.  It’s all still there, but it feels like his now, instead of mine.  I can separate the two, or I can dive completely into him if I want.  Sam’s voice stops and with a gasp of fresh air, I open my eyes.  Dean is there, bright green eyes locked on mine, clinging to my arm for dear life.</p><p>“Did it work?”  Sam asks.</p><p>“Yeah,” we say at the same time, gently letting go of one another.  I feel the pang of regret that shoots through Dean as he releases my arm and I know he feels my own.  We don’t reach back out, but he steps closer to me as he turns to Sam.</p><p>“Well how do you feel?”  Sam asks, flicking his eyes between us.  Cas furrows his brow and looks at us as well.</p><p>"Completely vulnerable," I think.  </p><p>I start when Dean’s voice answers me back.  "Guess we don’t have secrets anymore."  Out loud to Sam he simply says “like I’m glad you and me didn’t do this one Sammy.”  The truth of it rings through me so loudly, I can’t help but to turn my head a little and look up at him.</p><p>“Your souls are…joined.  It’s a strange phenomenon to see,” Cas says, still staring us down.</p><p>“Don’t use your angel x-ray vision on us Cas, it’s not fair,” I say, trying to shake off the strange feeling of having someone else share my headspace.  I feel the surge of amusement that rolls through Dean at my comment.</p><p>Back upstairs, I pace the war room as Sam and Cas discuss what the next step is now that Dean and I are the secret ingredient.  They keep checking the map on the table against the list of cities in my mother’s journal trying to figure out where Rowena might end up next.  I wander down the hall and find myself standing in front of Dean’s open door without meaning to.</p><p>“Hey,” he says, gesturing with his chin to come in.</p><p>“Hey,” I reply, crossing the room slowly.  I try not to dwell on the fact that since the moment the spell ended my skin feels like it’s on fire without him touching me in some way.  </p><p>"Me too."  He says in my head.  A blush paints my cheeks a bright, hot red and I focus on the unmade corner of his bed so I don’t have to look him in the eye.  “There’s nothing wrong with it, Lex.  We’re bonded now.  I’m sure there’s a-”</p><p>“A learning curve?”  I say, finishing his sentence and finally meeting his eye.  He shrugs and pats the bed beside him.  I can’t stop myself as I cross the room and sit beside him, a healthy five inches between us.</p><p>“This is going to be weird,” I say, huffing a sigh and laying back to stare at the ceiling.</p><p>“Our lives are pretty weird,” he says, laying back slowly.</p><p>In the silence, we let our hands join in the space between us, fingers locking together like they were always meant to be.  At once, the feeling that’s been buzzing in me; like I might jump out of my skin, is silenced and when Dean squeezes my hand I know he feels it too.  He scratches his side and I sit up, feeling the tickle of phantom fingers on my own hip.</p><p>“Stop it!”  I laugh.</p><p>“Stop what?”  He says, looking at me confused.</p><p>"I can feel you scratching, but it just tickles,” I say, laying back down and turning my head to look at him.  He looks at me for a second, mischief sparking in his eyes and I know what he’s going to do as soon as he thinks it.</p><p>“No!”  I laugh, trying to get out of his reach.  But he’s faster than me and pins me under him with ease, attacking my sides and throwing me into a fit of giggles.  I try to fight back but when I look up at him, his hands stop moving on my sides.  I feel the shift in his mind-my mind-immediately and suddenly the breaths between us are heavy and his fingers are tight on my hips.  With a breath of hesitation, he leans forward and presses his lips to mine.  I feel lightheaded and like I’m made up of sunlight.  This is different than when he kissed me to pacify Mala.  This is real and the feeling is doubled as it races through both of us.  His grip on my hips feels like fire.  Where his fingers graze my skin under the edge of my flannel shirt, it feels like stars are exploding into being.</p><p>When he finally pulls back and looks down at me it takes a second to catch my breath.  Slowly, he gets to his feet and pulls me to mine right in front of him.  He tucks a loose strand of hair behind my ear and his fingers linger on the skin beneath my ear.</p><p>“We should go see what Cas and Sam think we should do next” I whisper into the space between us, heart still racing.  I feel him agree with me before the words come out of his mouth and he pulls me into the hall with our fingers laced together.  When we get back to the war room, Cas and Sam are pointing to the same spot on the map.</p><p>“We have a plan” Sam says when we walk in.  “Instead of trying to stop Rowena by guessing where her next target might be, we’re going to dismantle the chain where we know the spell is already at work.  Maybe that way we’ll draw her out and we can get the grimoire away from her.”</p><p>“Where to?”  Dean asks.</p><p>“Where she started.  Washington.  We don’t have time to travel there.  I’ll have to take you all” Cas explains.</p><p>“Wait, what are we actually supposed to do?  You saw what the magic did in Evansville.  How are we supposed to stop any of this?” I ask as Dean squeezes my hand.  His self-assured confidence rolls through me and though I still want an answer, I’m less afraid of flying blind into the situation.</p><p>“If we’ve deciphered the spell Crowley gave you right, then the bond of your souls should be enough to break through the magic barrier that’s holding the people hostage and letting Rowena drain their energy.  Theoretically, if you can get to one, you can break them all free” Sam tell us, packing the papers and journal into a backpack.</p><p>“Theoretically?” Dean I say together, doubt surging through us simultaneously.</p><p>“It’s our best bet” Sam says with a frown.  “I’ll stay here and keep an eye on the map.  I’ll call if any other cities go red.”</p><p>Dean packs a bag full of witch-killing bullets and hex bags and slings it over his shoulder.  My hand itches every second that it’s not attached to his.  Minutes later, his fingers are threaded through mine and Cas has each of us lay a hand on him.</p><p>If angel travel was disorienting when I experienced it alone, sharing the ride with someone else in my head made it worse.  As soon as the bright green grass of Washington state is underfoot, I let go of Dean and Cas and run a few feet away to puke.  Behind me, I hear Dean groan.</p><p>“You gotta stop or I’m gonna hurl” he whines, holding his stomach.</p><p>“Sorry” I say, wiping my mouth on my sleeve and crossing back over to the group.  “Where are these people?”</p><p>Down the slight incline where we landed in a tree line is a cloud of purple magic holding thirteen people hostage in the air.  They look sick, pale, and gaunt even though Rowena’s only had them in her power for a day or two.  Dean feels my urgency and together, we start marching towards the crowd that has gathered around the purple cloud.  Every once in a while, someone will throw a stick trying to break the shell the magic has created only to have the stick launched back at them at twice the speed.</p><p>“How are we going to do this?  Surely we’re not going to do this with a crowd that big watching” I ask as we come to a stop a few yards from all of the action.<br/>“Stay here.  We’ll take care of it.”  Dean lets go of my hand and I watch as he and Cas go down the hill and start talking to people.  I slip into his head for a second to hear what they’re saying to make people go home.</p><p>"We’re with the CDC this gas is toxic and causes hallucinations.  You need to get inside before you become contaminated."</p><p>When the crowd has cleared and the area is eerily silent, I hear Dean in my head again, You can come down now, nosey.  When I get to the bottom of the hill, the purple haze seems even more vibrant and dangerous.  Little sparks of electricity are crackling through it here and there, like a purple storm cloud all charged up and ready to rain down destruction.</p><p>“Ready?” I ask Dean, holding out my hand.  He takes it and nods, and we step forwards slowly.  The wind around us picks up but the angry purple cloud doesn’t lash out.  We take slow, measured steps until the feet of the hostages are nearly above our heads.  Silently, in perfect sync, we reach out and press through the purple haze.  It feels like jelly, springing back a little before it breaks apart and lets us through.  We reach for a pair of penny loafers attached to a man in a blue suit with a red tie.  He looks like a lawyer or a banker, someone clean-cut and serious.  The lines on his face are hard and deep like he spends a lot of time frowning.  Pulling him down to lay him on the ground is like pulling something from wet cement and it takes a while.  When we get him on the ground, Cas can ease close and pull him out of harm’s way.</p><p>It takes quite a while for us to pull the other twelve people from the cloud but each one gets a little easier.  By the time we reach the last woman, she nearly falls into our arms.  The purple haze dissipates and at last, is gone entirely.  When the last of it disappears, sound pops back into my ears and I realize that inside the cloud it was completely silent.  We leave the people in the street and backtrack up into the tree line, waiting to make sure Rowena can’t just string them up again.  After a good ten minutes, people start emerging from their homes and the people on the ground start waking up.  Satisfied with the job we’ve done Cas grabs hold of us and whisks us off to the next city.</p><p>“I can’t, I can’t do anymore” I pant when we pull down the thirteenth person from the fifth city.  Every time we travel, I feel sicker and more exhausted and I know Dean feels it too.  Even Cas looks a little green.  About that time, Dean’s phone rings.</p><p>“Sammy?  You’re sure?  About damn time.”  I feel relief roll through Dean as we trudge out of the city’s busy inner circle and back towards the empty freeway.</p><p>“What did he say?”</p><p>“All the other cities that Rowena had have gone dark.  The chain broke.  I think we did it” Dean says, falling to his knees in the grass.  I follow suit, laying in the dirt beside him.  Laugher and relief bubble up in my chest and soon, Dena and I are laughing hysterically in the grass.</p><p>“This is hardly cause for celebration.  Rowena is going to here any minute.  We’ve ruined her plan” Cas says from nearby only serving to make us laugh more.  Dean rolls over and tucks me against his chest with one strong arm and I laugh into his dark grey shirt, soaking up the closeness.</p><p>“What the hell have you done?” Rowena’s thick accent cuts our laughter short and we both rocket to our feet.  She has the grimoire in her arms and rage painted all over her face.</p><p>“We’re saving people, Rowena.  You can’t just use them like battery packs and suck their life out of them” I say, standing shoulder to shoulder between Cas and Dean.</p><p>“But I can, dearie.  Their lives-your lives are nothing compared to mine.  I didn’t want to have to do this but I guess you really leave me no choice.”  She opens the grimoire and all the sudden, I’m charging at her, fueled by Dean’s anger.  Together, we crash into her knocking the book to the ground.  I scoop up the book as Dean pulls Rowena to her feet, pressing his gun into her chest.</p><p>“Witch killing bullets, remember?  I wouldn’t try anything” he growls.</p><p>“The two of you- you’ve joined your souls?” Rowena begins cackling and shaking her head, looking between me and Dean.  “Oh you poor wee lass.  Tied to this brute for the rest of eternity? Well that might be punishment all on it’s own.  But just in case-”</p><p>Several things happen all at once.  She raises her hand and a tendril of purple smoke snakes into Dean’s ear.  His gun goes off.  And both of them disappear.  Pain shoots through my shoulder and when I look down, breathless from the sudden loss of Dean’s consciousness, blood is pouring from a hole in my chest.  I’ve been shot.  Cas catches me before I hit the ground, but the world is blurring at the edges.  I hear another voice, far away, with an accent different from Rowena’s that feels familiar, but I can’t place it.  Between the blood loss from the gunshot and the absence of Dean’s mind in my own my body goes cold and my lungs forget how to breathe.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Empty Space</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TBH i'm kind of adapting this from some little one-shot fics that I have saved so I honestly have no idea where i'm going with this story.  Guess we'll find out together.  Your kudos give me life &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I gasp, pawing at the hole in my shoulder.  I can’t think straight.  The silence is my head is deafening and debilitating and I would give anything to be sharing my head with Dean again.  The pain in my shoulder is unlike anything I’ve ever felt before, pulling the air from my lungs.</p><p>“We’ll find him, hold still,” Cas instructs, lowering me to sit on the ground and holding pressure on my shoulder.  Cas presses his hand to the wound and in an instant, the only thing leaving me hollow is the broken bond.  I lean back into Cas’ arms, taking shallow breaths.  </p><p>Cas zaps us back to the bunker and I can hardly meet Sam’s eye.</p><p>“What happened?  Where’s Dean?” He asks, rushing over to us.  His eyes catch on the blood on my shirt and he pulls me from Cas’ embrace.</p><p>“Rowena took Dean, I’ll go search for him.”  With that, Cas disappears, leaving us alone.</p><p>“I don’t feel him, Sam.  It’s like the bond broke or something.  I’m so sorry, I just-” The tears come hard and fast, fueled by my fear for Dean and my relief at being home.  “Where is he Sam?”  I ask, but he doesn’t answer.  Instead, he shakes his head and pulls me to his chest.  The bunker feels cold and vast and empty with just the two of us.</p><p> </p><p>The emptiness in my chest feels like a black hole, threatening to swallow me up forever when I sit still for too long.  I slip into Dean's room and shut the door behind me as tears slip down my cheeks.  Everything is in perfect order except for an old shirt thrown on the end of the bed.  I pick up and press it to my face, inhaling the scent of his soap and his hair and the ache in my chest pulls even harder.  Carefully, I fold the shirt up and retreat to my room.  Sam has been asleep for a few hours, but I can't find it in myself to close my eyes.  Not while Dean is missing.  I slip out of my sweatshirt and at the last second, pull Dean's button up over my head.  It's too big and it hangs a third of the way down my thighs, but it smells like him and it feels almost like he's here.  Without pulling the covers back, I curl up on my bed and let the tears come.</p><p> </p><p>The warehouse is thrown into darkness every few seconds as the lights flicker.  I pull against the ropes that bind my hands, trying to close the gap between Dean and myself.  His face is a bloody, swollen mess from all the times they've hit him.  A man in black slides up behind him and puts a knife to his throat.  I scream until my throat is raw but the man slices the blade clean through and Dean is dead, right in front of me.  His blood pours and I scream, and he’s still dead.  Dead.  Dead.</p><p> </p><p>I wake with a start, tears and screams rolling out of me and echoing through the room.  Sam bursts in with wild eyes and a knife in his hand.  For a second, I don't know where I am and the image of Dean dying flashes before my eyes again.</p><p>"Lex?"</p><p>I gasp for breath and bury my face in my hands.</p><p>"Hey, it's just a dream, okay?  It's alright,” Sam says gently, placing the knife on the bed and wrapping an arm around my shoulders.</p><p>"I saw-It was-I couldn't stop it,” I say through shuddering breaths.</p><p>"It's not real, Lex.  Whatever you saw, it isn't real.  Everything is okay,” he reassures me.  I catch him looking at the sleeve of Dean's shirt, realizing what I'm wearing but thankfully, he doesn’t comment on it.</p><p>"It-I can put it back,” I say softly, knotting the material in my fist.</p><p>"It's okay.  I don't think he'll mind,” Sam says with a soft smile.  "Get some sleep.”  </p><p>I nod as he picks up the knife and leaves the room, casting one long, evaluating look at me before closing the door behind him.  When he's gone, I let out a long sigh and lay back on my pillows.  It was just a dream.  Sam said so.  I try not to worry about the bond and what the dream might mean, but I can't shake the feeling that something bad is happening to Dean.  Or maybe it's just the feeling of wrongness that he isn't here in my head anymore.</p><p> </p><p>Dean is in chains and I'm screaming but he can't hear me.  Or if he can, he doesn't respond.  “Run!”  I scream over and over, but Dean doesn’t so much as blink.  My body won’t move toward him no matter how hard I try.  The world swims as a werewolf digs her claws into his chest and rips his heart clean out.</p><p> </p><p>For the second time, I wake to the sound of my own screams and Sam crashing through my bedroom door.</p><p>"Sorry,” I gasp, rubbing my eyes with the heels of my hands.  "Another nightmare.”</p><p>"It's alright.  I was making breakfast.  Why don't you come eat?"</p><p>For the next three nights, the nightmares are endless.  Dean dies and I scream and there's never anything I can do.  And when I wake up covered in sweat and tears, Sam is there in an instant.  </p><p>On the fourth night, I pour a cup of coffee and take it to my room at sunset, wishing Sam a goodnight.  And then I drink, cup after cup of caffeine and pace the room.  At five the next morning, I'm so exhausted I fall sleep sitting up against the headboard.  I wake to Sam knocking on the door.</p><p>"Huh?"  I groan, looking over at the alarm clock.  Six a.m.</p><p>"Breakfast is ready,” Sam calls.<br/>I splash cold water on my face at the sink and change out of the latest of Dean's shirts that I’ve borrowed and into one of my own.  The worry lines on Sam's face have intensified over the last week so I make the decision to keep my nightmares to a minimum.  Even if that means sleeping as little as possible and not wearing Dean's shirts in front of him.  Cas is at the table when I walk through the kitchen and Sam is scarfing down scrambled eggs.</p><p>"How did you sleep last night?"  Sam asks through a mouthful.</p><p>"Fine,” I say, fixing a small helping and pouring a cup of coffee.</p><p>"You look tired,” Cas says, frowning.</p><p>"It's been a long week,” I sigh, not looking him in the eye.</p><p>A tense silence settles over the table before Sam clears his throat.  </p><p>"Any news?" He asks, looking to Cas who keeps staring me down as if he can feel me lying to him.</p><p>"None yet.  How does the bond feel?  Can you glean any information from it?"</p><p>"If I could, do you think I'd be sitting in this bunker right now?"  I growl, raising an eyebrow at him.  He cocks his head to the side as if he wants to say something else, but I get up and take my plate to the sink.  Pouring another cup of coffee, I hop up on the counter and look to Sam.</p><p>"You should let me call Crowley.”</p><p>"No,” he and Cas say in unison.</p><p>"He could have every demon alive looking for Dean.  We should ask.”</p><p>"We don’t need his help,” Sam says, coming to stand beside me and put his dishes away.</p><p>"He really cares about me.  He would help us.”</p><p>"Sam is right.  Don't reach out to Crowley.  I'll see if I can find anything out.”  Cas is gone in a blink.  I sigh and take a big drink of coffee.</p><p>"So what are we supposed to do?  We just sit here until he shows back up?"</p><p>"What would you rather do?"  Sam asks, crossing his arms.</p><p>"Hunt.  Drive.  Shoot things.  Literally anything other than sit in this bunker and worry.”</p><p>Sam holds my gaze for a second before nodding.  "Grocery run good enough for you?"</p><p>"Yes!"  I say, jumping down to the floor.  It takes just a minute for me to run to my room and slip my boots on.  I look at the pile of Dean’s shirts by my bed and my heart hurts.  I never imagined losing the bond would be like this.  "We'll find you,” I whisper into the empty room.</p><p>"Please, please?"  I beg Sam as we walk to the Impala.</p><p>"Dean will never forgive me.”</p><p>"He doesn't need to know!"  I say, giving Sam my best puppy eyes.  With a sigh, he shakes his head and tosses me the keys.</p><p>"Do not tell him,” Sam says, climbing into the passenger side.  I don’t have the heart to tell him that Dean will know the second we find him and our bond is restored.</p><p>On the way to the grocery store, I crank up Dean’s favorite radio station and roll my window down.  I keep hoping the more I do that reminds me of him, the better chance I’ll have at using our bond to locate him.  As I drive, with Sam watching every move I make, I will our bond to connect us again.</p><p>"Please, tell me where you are.  Dean?" I whisper it inside my head over and over and over.  Silence answers me every time.</p><p>Sam doesn’t bat an eye when I throw an extra bag of coffee grounds into the cart or when I grab a case of energy drinks.  I’m not expecting the pang of sadness that rings through me as we pass the bakery and the chef puts a new pie out on the shelf.  Next to me, Sam reaches out and squeezes my hand as if he too feels Dean’s absence so acutely in the moment that he can’t breathe either.  I blink a few times and pull Sam to the checkout.</p><p>I’ve gotten good at easing Sam’s worries.  I start each morning with an energy drink (or two when he’s not looking).  He doesn’t know that I pace to keep myself awake.  Or that I wait until I hear his door shut to go pour one more cup of coffee.  Or two.  Or three.  Sometimes, I fall into a restless sleep for a few minutes but when I stay asleep too long, the nightmares come.  I try to choke the screams down, but Sam comes running every time.  </p><p> </p><p>After five more days without a word from Cas, I can’t take it anymore.  I listen at the door to make sure Sam has gone to bed before pulling out my phone.  The line rings twice and then he answers.</p><p>“Hello Lamb.”</p><p>“Crowley, I need your help,” I whisper, pacing my bedroom.</p><p>“If this is about the bond-”</p><p>“Dean is missing.”</p><p>The line is silent for so long, I nearly think he’s hung up.  Finally, I hear his accent through the phone.  “What do you need me to do?”</p><p>“Find him.  Tell me where he is so I can go get him.  And don’t tell Sam.”</p><p>“Moose and I aren’t really on speaking terms these days, Lamb.”</p><p>“Can you help me or not?  I’ll do whatever you want in return, I just…I can’t-he can’t be gone.  I need to find him,” I say, the truth filling my chest like a balloon until it aches.</p><p>“What about the bond?”</p><p>I hold my breath for a second.  “He’s gone.  I can’t…I can’t feel him anymore.  At all.”</p><p>He stays silent for a long moment but finally, he says, “I’ll be in touch.”</p><p>The line goes dead before I can thank him and I toss the phone onto my bed.  Sam will be furious, but if we get Dean back, what does it matter?  I go to the kitchen and pour another cup of coffee and wait for Crowley to call.  </p><p>I lose track of days without sleep.  Everything becomes routine; coffee, coffee, fake it for Sam, don’t fall asleep, don’t fall asleep.  My phone never rings and I never close my eyes longer than a second.  After so long without sleep, everything in me is tired.  When I walk into the kitchen and see Cas at the table, I want to run back to my room.  He always knows when I’m lying and I don’t have enough energy to put up a fight.</p><p>“You look like hell,” he says, getting to his feet.  “Have you slept at all?”</p><p>“Yeah Cas.  I’m fine,” I say, pushing past him to get to the coffee pot.</p><p>“That’s a lie.”  He calls it so easily, that I almost tell him he’s right.  Sam comes in, hair messed from being in bed and looks between us with apprehension.</p><p>“What’s a lie?”  He asks.</p><p>I start to answer but Cas gives me a look that shuts me down.</p><p>“She hasn’t slept in days.  What’s going on?”</p><p>“What?  She sleeps.  She has nightmares sometimes, but the last four days…” Sam looks at me with wide eyes.  “You haven’t had any nightmares.”</p><p>“Because she hasn’t gone to sleep,” Cas sighs, looking at the pile of coffee mugs in the sink and pointing to the trashcan full of empty energy drinks.</p><p>“Lex, what the hell?  You can’t tell me you want to go hunt and then do this.  You could get yourself killed.  You’re not going anywhere,” Sam says, running a hand through his hair.</p><p>“I can help,” Cas says, reaching toward me.</p><p>“No!  Don’t touch me.  I can’t-you don’t understand.  It’s not just nightmares.  It’s the same-It’s-” I jerk away from him and shake my head.  Sam doesn’t know how bad the nightmares are or that they’re connected to Dean.  Or that I watch him die, over and over.  I don’t want to tell them, but between Cas’ frown and Sam’s panic, I break down.  “I see Dean die every time I close my eyes.  At first, I thought it was really happening, but then…it’s different every time I fall asleep.  The only thing that doesn’t change is that I’m there and I can never save him and he’s gone when I wake up,”  </p><p>A deafening silence falls on the kitchen and all I can hear is my heart pounding in my chest.  Cas closes his eyes and grimaces.  Sam hangs his head for a second as if my words are physically weighing him down.  He crosses the kitchen in seconds; an arm wrapped around me and hugs me tight.</p><p>“Why didn’t you tell me?”  He asks softly.</p><p>“You have enough to worry about with finding him.  I didn’t want you to worry about me too.”</p><p>Sam lets out a long sigh and pulls back to look at me.  His face falls as if he’s seeing through me for the first time.  It’s the look I was hoping to avoid all this time.</p><p>“Can I talk to you Sam?  Privately?” Cas asks, looking pointedly at me.  Sam nods and I head to my room feeling like a troublemaking child whose parents need to discuss her punishment.  When I get to my room, the last four days pull me onto my bed in a heap.  I ball up Dean’s shirt that I wore to bed last night and press it to my nose, letting the tears trickle onto it.</p><p>"Please Dean, if you’re out there, come home.  Dean, I need you.  Please come home."  The whispers die in the material unanswered.</p><p>Our bond feels nonexistent.  The lack of his thoughts and feelings sharing space with mine leaves too much room in my head.  I dreaded what the bond would force us to share, but now…now I’d give anything to have him back in my head.  Losing him doesn’t just feel like it did before the bond, it feels irreparable and sick.</p><p>In the kitchen, I hear Sam and Cas arguing so I tiptoe across the floor and open my door just an inch.</p><p>“The circles under her eyes are nearly purple Sam.  How can you live with her and not see that?”</p><p>“Losing Dean has been hard on all of us Cas!”</p><p>“You said she sleeps in his clothing.  That didn’t worry you?”</p><p>“She misses him!  I don’t know what their bond is like, but I know you brought her back after that, she was different.  She looked like a ghost.  So if she needs to wear his shirts to bed to feel better, then I’m not going to stop her.”</p><p>“I didn’t say you should stop her!  I said you should’ve seen the signs before now.  I was here seconds before I realized something was wrong.  You’ve been with her for two weeks Sam.”</p><p>“I’m trying to keep it together here.  I lost my brother when Dean disappeared and I’m trying to stay calm because she’s a wreck Cas.  Losing him is breaking her so I can’t be broken too.”  </p><p>At Sam’s words, I go from broken to hollow.  I pull off my t-shirt and pull Dean’s button up over my head.  On the bed, I rest against the headboard and pull my knees to my chest.</p><p>“You’re going to put me to sleep, aren’t you?”  I ask when Cas and Sam push the door open.</p><p>“It’s for your own good, Lex.  You can’t keep going like this,” Sam says softly, sitting beside me on the bed.  “I’ll sit with you.  Cas says you won’t have nightmares this time.”</p><p>The idea of restful sleep is so tempting, that I don’t argue.  I curl up in a ball with my head on Sam’s leg and nod.  Cas puts his fingers on my temple and then there is only blissful darkness and peace.</p><p> </p><p>“Lex?”  A deep voice says my name softly, but the sleep is so heavy, I can barely open my eyes.  It looks like Dean.  Cas said there would be no nightmares, but he never said anything about dreams.  In my dream, I reach out and pull Dean onto the space beside me and snuggle into his warm side.</p>
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<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Coming Home</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm sorry it has taken so long for an update.  And it's not as long as the others so :( but doing quarantine with anxiety and depression is a real interesting rollercoaster of lack of motivation and existential crisis.  ANYWAY~ I am so grateful to all of you for your sweetness and your kudos!<br/>I have no idea if there's more to come for this story, but to be honest this chapter felt a little more final than anything that came before it.  I'm not going to commit either way though just in case there's more to be said.<br/>Stay safe friends, we'll get through this crazy time together.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The sound of pots and pans being used in the kitchen wakes me up and it feels like days since Cas put me to sleep.  My stomach flips when I remember my dream of Dean.  It was so nice, so calm, like everything was right in the world again.  I roll out of bed, Dean’s shirt tangling around me as I make my way to the sink.  The girl in the mirror looks sick.  Cas was right about the dark circles.  I brush out my hair with my fingers and wrap it up on top of my head to splash some water on my face.  I might look like a zombie, but I don’t feel so much like one anymore.  The bunker is cold and I pull a pair of socks on to walk to the kitchen.  One last time, I look over myself in the mirror.  Dean’s too big shirt.  Sweatpants and socks.  Nearly purple half-moons under each eye.  At least I slept some.<br/>There are three people in the kitchen when I come out of the hall, and I nearly faint at the sight.  Sam is smiling, Cas is shaking his head, and Dean-Dean is there with a coffee mug in his hand and a shit-eating grin on his face.</p><p>“Dean?”  I breathe, grabbing the back of the nearest chair for support.  All eyes turn on me and in an instant, they’re all on their feet.</p><p>“Nice shirt,” Dean says softly, a soft smile pulling on his lips.<br/>The next thing I know, I’m in his arms with my face buried in his neck.  My feet aren’t even touching the ground; he’s holding me so tightly.  I feel our bond snap back into place and suddenly his thoughts are swimming in my head and his feelings are buzzing in my brain and I know last night wasn’t a dream.</p><p>“Dean,” I whisper, clutching him tighter.</p><p>“I’m here Lex.  I’m here.”</p><p>I can’t sort through all the words spinning in my head, all my accusations and his apologies and the surge of emotions that seems to be coming from both of us.  Finally, Dean sets me back on the ground and puts his hands on my shoulders.  His face changes when he really looks at me.</p><p>“You look like hell Lex, you alright?”</p><p>“Now I am,” I say, pulling him back into a hug.  Behind us Sam clears his throat and we finally pull apart.</p><p>“Where the hell have you been?  How did you get back?”  I ask all at once, pushing away from him a little bit.</p><p>“We were going to ask you the same thing,” Sam says.  I look over at him in confusion and see someone silhouetted in the door way.</p><p>“Hello, Lamb,” Crowley greets me with a smile and a tilt of his head.  It reminds me so much of my childhood-of James showing up unannounced at birthday parties and special events-that I can’t help but smile back.</p><p>“I told you to call me if you found him,” I exclaim, pushing past Dean and Sam to face the King of Hell myself.</p><p>“I did call.  But it seems you were taking an angel sized nap, which I might add, you needed by the looks of you.  When you didn’t answer, I called Moose,” Crowley says, raising an eyebrow at me.</p><p>“I specifically told you not to tell Sam!”</p><p>“You what?”  Sam calls from behind me.</p><p>Crowley ignores Sam, keeping his focus on me.  “I was worried for you, Lamb.  You seemed rather frantic when you called.  Your beloved-or should I say, bonded idiot, is back now.  That’s what matters right?”</p><p>“You called Crowley after Cas and I specifically told you not to and then told him not to tell me?”  Sam asks, coming up behind me.</p><p>“I just- You don’t know what it’s like to have someone shoved in your head and then have them ripped out!  It felt like a piece of me was missing Sam, not just someone I cared about but part of me!”  I argue, slumping down in a chair at the table.  One by one, the boys fall into their own chairs and for the first time, our dinner table is full.  Full of animosity and anger, but full none the less.</p><p>“I’ve just done you a favor, and you’re reprimanding the girl for asking me for help?  What’s your problem with me Moose?”  Crowley drawls, tipping his chair back on two legs.</p><p>“My problem is that you’re a demon we should’ve killed a long time ago.  Everything that’s happened to Lex, and to us in the last six months has been your fault.  The only reason you don’t have a knife at your throat is because you brought Dean back.”</p><p>“First of all, he’s saved my life and now Dean’s so we aren’t going to kill him.  Second, where the hell did he bring you back from anyway?”  I ask turning to Dean.</p><p>“I don’t remember” Dean says out loud.  In our shared consciousness I can tell he’s lying but he’s keeping the truth hidden deep inside where I can’t quite find it.  We stare each other down for a few minutes, both silently daring each other to argue.  Finally I let out a long sigh and turn towards Crowley instead.</p><p>“My bitch of a mother had him.  He’s not much worse for wear, Lamb.  I’ll be going before Moose revisits the idea of killing me.”  In a blink, Crowley is gone and Sam is fuming.  I turn my attention to him.</p><p>“I really am sorry, Sam.  But there was no other way.”</p><p>“It’s fine Lex.  Dean’s back.  That’s what matters.”  Sam answers, running a hand through his hair.</p><p>We sit at the table for a long time, getting back to the normal routine and for the first time in weeks I feel like my world isn’t about to implode.  Beneath the table, Dean threads his fingers through mine, holding on as tightly as he can.  Feeling his heartbeat float through me is keeping me awake but the longer we sit there, the longer I want to be alone with Dean and figure out what really happened when he was gone.  I watch him as we talk, noting that his right hand lingers on top of his ribs when he’s not doing anything with it.  I feel the twitch of phantom pain in my chest and realize Rowena must’ve hurt him somehow while she had him.  Eventually Cas disappears and Sam goes down to the library to look for our next case.</p><p>“You and me need to have a long talk,” Dean says when the room is empty.  I follow his lead and get to my feet, following him down the hall.  It feels so natural to have his thoughts in my head and to feel the tug of an invisible thread between us.</p><p>“Are you going to lecture me on trusting the King of Hell?  Cause I’ve heard that one before and I’m not a fan,” I sigh.</p><p>“No, what I had in mind has got nothin’ to do with Crowley,” he says, his voice low.  Our bond pulls tight and a blush creeps up my cheeks as his feelings roll in a tidal wave into my head.  I look around the bunker, but Cas and Sam are nowhere to be seen.</p><p>“Then let’s go talk,” I say, doing everything in my power not to reach out and grab his hand as we make our way down the hall towards his bedroom.</p><p>Dean’s lips crash down on mine the second his door closes behind us.  This kiss is different than the ones we’ve had before.  There’s a desperation surging through both of us that makes me lightheaded as Dean works his mouth against mine.  His hand are hot on my skin as he skims them under my shirt and across my lower back.  He moves his lips from mine, trailing kisses along my collar bone as we stumble backwards toward the bed.  He lays me on my back, setting in between my legs easily.  I think not for the first time of how well we fit together.  My vision is swimming, overhwlemed with Dean’s feelings and mine and while the feeling of his stuble grazing the skin of my neck is making me weak all over, there’s a block in Dean’s mind that doesn’t sit comfortably between us.  I try to ignore it, pulling him closer and catching his lips with mine again.  I graze his lip with my teeth and the rough, low growl of desire that comes out of him is nearly enough to distract me for the rest of my life.</p><p>But the block is still there, nagging at me and the more I try to ignore it, the bigger it seems.  Suddenly Dean’s hands stop roaming all over my body and come to rest on my hips as he drops his head on my shoulder.</p><p>“Really Lex, right now?” He sighs turning his bright green eyes to mine.</p><p>“I’m sorry.  You know how hard I’m trying to ignore it but I need to know whatever you’re hiding from me Dean.  It’s not going to go away.” I say, letting my hands fall from where they were clutching his flannel shirt to my his wrists.  He rolls over, leaving me feeling vulnerable and exposed without the comforting weight of him on top of me, and scoots up to sit against the head board.  I climb up next to him, resting my head on his shoulder.  Our hands find one another in the space between us and he takes mine gently, like it’s delicate and made of glass.</p><p>“Rowena had me.  I still don’t really know how” he explains, running his fingers along the lines on my palm.  “She was mad about the bond and that we got the grimore back.  I guess she thought if she could break the bond she could get her spell going again.”</p><p>I feel the edges of the block in Dean’s mind start to soften but I can tell there’s more to the story.  He puts his free hand back to his ribs just as I feel a phantom twinge of pain in the same spot.  I reach over and put my hand on top of his.</p><p>“What did she do?”  I ask gently.</p><p>“Nothing that hasn’t been done before.” Dean answers, letting both of our hands drop back down to the bed.</p><p>“So what aren’t you telling me?”  I ask, poking gently at the block in our shared consciousness.  I wait for him to answer me, turning to lay so my head is in his lap and I can look up at him.  His hands weave into my hair as he lets out a heavy sigh.</p><p>“If there was a way to reverse the bond…would you want to do it?”  His hand in my hair goes still and I hold my breath, unsure of how to answer at first.  It feels like both of our minds have pulled away from each other, afraid to betray our true feelings.</p><p>“It doesn’t matter because there’s not a way.”  I say finally when he starts stroking my hair again.</p><p>“Lex,  I know this isn’t the life you wanted.  I know you didn’t want this shared soul thing and all my crap in your head all the time.  You didn’t get much of a choice when we did it so I’m just asking, if there was a way, would you want out?”<br/>Our minds are dancing around each other, too afraid to touch but unable to stay away for very long.  I take the solitary moment to truly consider his question.  The feelings from the last weeks flood back to me; the fear, the emptiness, the constant hollow ache in my chest.  I sit up with a start, taking Dean’s face in my hands.</p><p>“No.  I don’t want out.  Even if there was a way out, I don’t want it.  You don’t know what it was like when you were gone…this might not have been what I wanted but now I can’t imagine living without you in my head.”  I say, pushing my consciousness into his to show him just how serious I am.  The block between us finally starts to dissolve and when the contents start seeping out, I am shocked.</p><p> </p><p>There is Dean, gagged and bound, poked and prodded, beaten and starved at Rowena’s feet.  She reads spell after spell, cutting and breaking and bleeding him in an effort to break the bond.  She’s as savage as ever, but she’s also tired and frantic and angry which makes her sloppy.  She breaks his ribs one at a time and mends them over and over until one thing finally seems to work.  She snaps his top rib on his right side and he gasps out of the unconscious state he’s been in for days.  The hollow feeling in his head and his chest is too much.  He tries to scream, but no sound comes out because he is empty of all the things that made him want to scream.  Rowena throws her head back and cackles in delight just as Crowley appears beside her and stabs her between the ribs.  She explodes in flames but Dean feels no comfort.  Rowena is too much like a cockroach to stay dead long.</p><p> </p><p>I slip back into my own head with a gasp, my ribs aching with ghost sympathy pains.  Dean pulls me to his chest and together, we take long deep breaths until we are both steady again.  When I pull back to look at him, his eyes are glazed with something like shame as he stares past me at the floor.</p><p>“She found a way to break the bond?” I whisper, wiping at the tears that sharing his consciousness seemed to bring to my eyes.</p><p>“Do you want a way out?” He asks again, bringing his eyes to mine.  A deep, strong wave of fear rolls through me and it takes a moment to recognize that it belongs to him and not to me.  He’s giving me a chance to walk away but he’s afraid I’ll say yes.  </p><p>I say “no” as many way as I know how.  I say “no” out loud and in his head and in my heart.  I say “no” as I press my lips to his forehead and to his cheek and to his lip.  I whisper “no” into his mouth and his collar bone and the line of his jaw.  I say “no” until he knows I mean it, to my very core.</p>
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